blogger / confidence problem

When I look at other blogs, it depresses me sometimes. My aim was never to be a professional blogger, but considering for how long i have been blogging, i could be. Earning money with blogging or at least getting free goodies for review and shit. I never put in enough effort, bothered to contact or keep in touch with PR agencies or even other bloggers. And the only one to blame is myself. So that's what iam doing. Blaming myself. I still love blogging and keep doing it without earning anything from it, buuttt you know.. There is this little 'what if' that bothers me. I mean i know pretty much about the industry from other bloggers and people i know, but i lack the confidence to speak up to people. So im still sitting here in my corner waiting for my great perhaps. Waiting for people to acknowledge me instead of getting a hold of my own fate. Iam critizising myself, am aware of what bothers me, what i need to do to change this situtation, yet i don't do anything about it. Why am I so timid. I dont feel confident recently. I really need to change. Badly, or i wont be happy. Because i will definitely not settle with accepting with what i cant have. Somewhere i know that i have the ability to achieve, inside of me. I just lack the power and fearlessness to pull it off. Iam not jealous of other bloggers, i just am a real bad pessimist at times. Instead of going 'oh yeah i can do that as well', i'll be all 'shit i hate myself, i suck'. Yeah i have always been like this. Yeah i used to cut myself. Yeah iam working on this... Nah but seriously. I need to fuckin get my fat ass up and achieve something. I dont want my life to be full of regrets later on because of all the things i didn't do ! (I say fat ass cos i don't even have to body i want to. Yeah i "worked" on loosing weight. Ok who am i lying to. All i ever did since i was 14 was telling myself that i need to loose weight. Note to myself.. That didn't work. Ok might need to try something new and move on ! Something like gym or not eating two toasts at 3am when i sleep at 5am ! Yeah my sleeping habits got worse again.)

Ok and now i need to watch a movie to repress all my bad emotions for another night, then fall asleep and hopefully wake up all happy and cheerful tomorrow, to achieve a little something : ) Cheerioh kids x