age of confusion

To drink or not to drink. It all lies in my hand. Iam still so immature. I wont let other people decide for me because i think iam old enough to decide for myself, but what i decide for myself isnt always the best for myself. I got wasted again last night. And i really hate myself for always getting wasted and wasted and wasted. Its so exhausting from getting home, to waking up the next morning to just feeling shit all day. But i still do it. Because i dont have full control over me yet but wont let anybody else take control over me. And i hate going home. I hate the emptiness i feel when going home. There is nothing there. Nothing that would satisfy me or make me happy. I stay up all night and go on tumblr and facebook, see all the cool people do cool shits and feel depressed again. So blurrying my mind and numbing my body is my other option. Alcohol. I drink way too much, but luckily i drink less recently. Right after finishing high school i got drunk every fucking single day. In Vietnam last year there was almost no morning waking up without a hangover. And it was so so so bad for me yet i did it. I thought i was having fun. And i did. I dont regret what i did. But the truth is, i dont want to do that all the time anylonger. Because it doesnt satisfy me. Anymore. But iam so used to doing it and have the hope and have made the experience that it makes me happy. For outstanders its easy to say, you dont want to drink ? Then dont. People who have a 'normal' relationship wont understand when i say i need to drink. I do it to get over my fucking unsatisfying life. Its so easy to judge. But you shouldnt judge me for that. Iam the only person who is supposed to judge me. And i do. No words other people say can harm me as much as what i think about myself. But i will try to change myself. I just have to. There is no point to just get drunk and feel bad right. But we all have flaws, and things we want to change about ourselves, and resisting alcohol is my big point. The journey is hard. Im sure a lot of you girls want to lose weight. Its basically the same. You are not supposed to eat but you still do and afterwards you feel shit about eating in extreme cases or complain that you dont lose weight. Thats the way it is man. Im hangovered. Shit man. Nobodys perfect and everybody got problems. Sigh.