writer.

For a couple days during my nights lying wide awake i have been playing with the thought to start writing. I actually really do love writing. Poems, notes, writing down memories and hopes, i twitter, update my facebook status quite regularly... I just have a very strong urge to express myself, and it doesnt matter how. When my phone is out of battery, i would take out my notebook and pen and write down whatever iam thinking at that moment. Or i use my blackberry to twitter, and if its something heavier i'd update my tumblr blog. I have been blogging very little about thoughts and emotions because sitting at the computer is so fucking distracting. There are about billions of online shops, ebay auctions, blogs, websites, facebook statusses, youtube videos, korean dramas, manga i can check out, besides writing a blogentry always takes up really much time, so i tend to keep delaying my thoughts, put them on tumblr, twitter or facebook in short form, until i dont feel the urge to express them anymore. But in the end, i always write. I dont feel the urge to talk about my thoughts as much as i do with writing. I even think that in written form iam the most honest i can be. Its just something i do, always, all the time. Capturing my thoughts and emotions.

Actually iam really unconcentrated right now, its past 2am and iam still awake, having just turned my computer on to draft this blogentry, even though i slept only two hours last night. I told myself to go to bed at 1am today but that plan is screwed already i guess. my next time limit is 3am, lets see if i can fall asleep till then. The reason why i kept staying awake after coming home from work and after taking a shower was because of a book iam currently reading. About a London girl going to New York after a very bad break-up, who is a passionate writer and is dating two cool guys at the same time and trying to figure her out. She is experiencing all these first-dates feelings from insecurity to horniness. Its really fun to read, but it raises the necessity to capture my own adventures as well. So here iam. Sitting at my computer at 2:17am, after having had a late midnight snack which consisted of two bowls of congee and two toasts with butter. I have been eating out of frustration a lot for a while now because i cant sleep well and being awake at night, and with no alcohol intus, my mind tends to start spinning. I distract myself with eating all kind of shits like fries, congee, instant noodles, toast, nothing really healthy. Comfort food if anything. Argh its so hard to keep to one topic for me. I tend to get distracted so easily, just going from one topic into another without having even finished one topic. Ok anyway, iam reading that book. Iam a little smarter now btw. I have seen a lot of guys in the past years but wasnt in a relationship with them. I now know what i have been doing ! I have been dating !!! As stupid as it sounds but that word never occured to me to describe my circumstances. Now i know. I dated. A lot of guys. A hell lot of guys. When i washed my hands before after eating, instead of thinking of my thought from my point of view i thought of a way to describe it in written form. So before thinking of the thought itself i thought about capturing the thought and putting in down in letters and words. Dude, right now i want to admit, writing in German is a whole lot easier to me. My English vocabulary is so limited. But never mind. I can also absolutely not listen to music with lyrics while writing, because the lyrics interfere with my thoughts. It just totally kicks me out of my rhythm.Ok, back to what i was thinking when i was washing my hands. That i have dated a lot of guys, but besides my first love and a sad one-sided love, all the guys i have dated were pretty much..... not my type at all. Like at all. But yet i dated them. And had sex with most of them, to be honest. So i sometimes kind of feel like a slut. But then again i believe in love and i want to give every guy i meet a shot even though he is not my type. Maybe he is not my type but turns out to be everything i have ever been longing for ? So because i believe in true love i ended up in having dated many guys, doing all the things you do when you date. When i first meet guys that dont really interest me i appear to be cool and distanced, an all-rounder, a girl to have a beer and get drunk with, but also someone you can have a deep conversation with, who is fearless and sometimes weak and fragile (when im drunk) as well. Guys kind of like it when i act strong. And those guys are usually the guys i should not date. Because they are the ones iam not interested in. Guys that i find really cool and hot, they intimidate me and my true nature comes out. The little shy girl with low self-esteem, that is too proud to show affection thus doesnt even talk to the guy she is interested in. Nope. I dont ever ever really talk to guys that interest me first. I let them come to me, to make sure... well that they are interested in me too lol (except if iam drunk). So thats how iam around guys im interested in, yeah ? Guys i feel comfortable around with, buddy-like, are usually the ones im not interested in, but i always end up dating them, because those guys like my buddy-like personality. Which is not my real personality at all. Its a kind of me that i created to get along with people more easily. I used to be really really really shy. Now i hide my shyness by acting like i dont give a shit and iam so cool and funny lol. So they are into me and give me confirmation and compliment parts of my personality that is actually something to protect myself. But due to little confirmation throughout my life i still react to it and feel.... well flattered. And i start to pick good points about a guy who is absolutely not my type. The beginning of disasters. It has never ended well. I hate myself for needing confirmation from other people so so much. It has brought me into so many stupid situations in my life, i just wish i really was strong and could say fuck off, i dont care about what you say, iam happy with being the person iam, rather than trying to hide it. So, in their eyes iam the cool chick, who iam so definitely not. I have so many insecurities, i act very irrational especially when drunk and at night, and of course i cant hide such things forever. Especially when they make me do and say stupid things i cant take back. So usually once guys discover that side of my personality they start losing interest. I like to think of myself as the average ex girlfriend haha. The crazy one, not the hot one you regret. I kind of lost track what i actually wanted to write, but its been half an hour and i should sleep now. Shit i should structure my writing. Or write it down when i think about writing down my thoughts. I like to repeat myself, iam sorry, and i could explain a lot of the things i said further but everythings just kind of confusing right now. I cant focus anymore. I need sleep. Iam interested in who read this till the end. Gimme a comment haha. About whatever.

And thanks to the girls who commented my last post. Im better now. My depressions have turned into productivity now ! At least i try to be productive. I realized that life is pretty dull without passion. Im trying to figure out my passion besides travelling as i cant always always do it.