What are you to me. Who are you to me. I keep wondering. Why. Am i that easily replaced ? Making no impact ? That easy to forget ? Not worth being remembered ? Why. What am i to you. Who am i to you.

I want to be special. To someone. Someday. Irreplaceable.

I have broken countless hearts. I have overreacted. I have ignored. I have been mean, i have been ignorant, i have been coldhearted. I dont blame any of the guys that are not interested and dump me after getting to know me. I dont mind at all. I do it too. Countless times. Realizing hes not the one and simply turn and walk away. In the end we just look for that one somebody we are someone to and not anyone. If its not meant to be its not meant to be right ?

I dont look for a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend. No, i believe in true love. Real love. The one. Hopeless romantic. When dating guys i lose interest the instant moment i realize there is something about him or us that is unable for me to accept. Something that could make the relationship not lasting. I dont lead a relationship just to be in a relationship. I want to love, give my all, think about getting married, getting children and all that kind of shit, the whole fucking package. The sooner i find that guy the better. Iam only 19 and iam slightly tired of explaining myself already. Why iam the way iam. My story. And i keep living, i keep experiencing, i keep developing and changing. How much will i have to tell when iam 30 ? Dont get me wrong, i actually love explaining myself but yes, it would be nicer to actually find that one person, the last person i will ever have to reveal my story to and then have someone who can go through all my future processes with me.

These days i feel utterly ridiculous. The way i think, what i do.... Everything ridiculous. Everything pointless. Im slowly slipping back into my whole even though i have absolutely no reason to. My life, in fact, is pretty awsome at the moment. Iam interning at Elle, everyone treats me nice, iam starting to settle down well in Saigon, toughlookdonthurt reader figures are raising, me and my family everyone healthy, i have friends, i get manicures, i go by taxi everywhere and eat nice food every day, clubbing every now and then, guys here pretty into me.... YET. Why do i feel so unsatisfied. Like there is something missing. Every day i feel bad for feeling bad because i feel like i have no reason to feel bad but i do. Iam some real fucked up child. My mind is pure madness. But my sanity keeps telling me, stay rational. Im not fair to myself.

This post. is. urgh. I havnt posted a personal entry in a while. I was listening to Neon Hitchs What Starry Eyes Know while writing this. Good song. Check it out !