About deep rooted loneliness and eating alone

 

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I cut these strawberries for my brother and me just now and realized that I'm actually a very family-oriented person. That I've always felt a little lonely in my life, because I grew up in a broken family, with a mother who didn't want me, and a father who was too far away to take away my loneliness. That I seem ignorant, but could be very caring if I had grown up in different circumstances, maybe. And that a stable family is what I want the most for my future. A caring partner and some kids, so I never have to be alone again. Of course that is something I would never say in a casual conversation. I don't expose my heart's real desire casually. I never want to appear weak or emotional. But even more than making a lot of money and becoming skinny so I can buy all the clothes I want, I long for a caring, happy family. I long to be loved, I long to be appreciated, I long to be needed. Do you know how it was, growing up with a mom who said she wish she had never given birth to you at the age of 13 (she admitted it was wrong of her last year), who didn't eat dinner with you throughout your puberty, not to speak of talking to you properly except for complaining about you ? Of course now I'm strong enough to face the facts and realize and accept that my mom had her own problems to deal with, and struggled as a single-mom who constantly got her heart broken, but imagine my situation back then. I was so sad. And I was so lonely. Endlessly lonely. I had noone to turn to. I didn't exactly have many friends, and I'm not the kind of person to bother other people with my loneliness anyway. I was alone. And I was sad. My dad knows. He knew. That I always acted strong to the outside world, stating that I was fine, but he knew about the loneliness I have felt deep inside. I remember one time, when I was 17, dinner at my ex boyfriend's place. It was all funny talking and then suddenly my dad padded my head, saying that I'm a good girl, but a unlucky one. That he feels sorry for not having been able to give me a proper family. That I just appear to be strong, but that he knows that I'm a very sensitive girl. Tears shot out instantly. I had to go to the bathroom and had a fit. I cried so much. I tried to suppress it but I couldn't. I've been fighting this sadness and loneliness for a very long time. I actually didn't know what a proper family could feel like until I was 16. Suddenly my mom had this boyfriend, and he was so nice. He moved in with us and put in a lot of effort to make me like him. I liked him. Before that my mom and me barely talked. We only argued. We rarely ever ate together and if we did she was on the phone or I had a book in front of my face. We didn't get along at all. And then suddenly he was there. Suddenly we were three. They would talk, and I would sit there, feeling less lonely. Something filled the silence. He also always drove me to school in winter and made breakfast on Sunday mornings. I had a dad, but my dad was never physically close to me, so he couldn't do things a dad would do. I didn't know what a dad close to you does for you, but what my mom's boyfriend did for me back then was probably the closest to what a normal dad does. Whenever my mom and me fought he'd go in the middle and tried to help me. He organized trips and made me go to events and stuff with them. Pretty much like a family. It was great. Suddenly I had someone to turn to when I needed something. But then my mother broke up with him shortly after my 18th birthday when I was in Vietnam. She called me, told me that he just moved out, and I cried. I cried a lot. I never told him that I was grateful and that I liked him. But I was. Thanks to him I got to know what it feels like to be apparently cared about. Of course my mom cared about me, she provided me with food and money, but I didn't feel like she cared about me, because she didn't show it. And as a 16-year old girl you don't go around thinking, oh my mom pays rent so I don't have to be homeless, I'm so grateful. But yeah, now I'm over it, I get along fine with my parents, but your puberty shapes you. It's psychologically proven, that your puberty shapes you a lot. And my puberty was very lonely, so I can't help feeling very lonely every now and then, especially when I'm home by myself and have to eat by myself like during lunch today. I cooked and everything was fine, but then suddenly when I started eating I started feeling lonely. I didn't want to, I swear. I'm not one of those people who obsessively want to feel negative all the time, so they have a reason to cry (anymore). I don't want to have those feelings, but I do. I envy everyone who can stay at home for a week by themselves feeling absolutely nothing. I stay at home for a whole day completely alone and I start getting a fit already. So yeah, this is all this is about. What I thought about when I cut those strawberries for my brother. Just that my thoughts lasted for probably 5 minutes, and writing them down took me half an hour. 

It's not like every time I eat by myself I feel lonely, but I often do. It also goes away very quick, but that doesn't change the fact that I have felt that loneliness. Why bother analyzing it and writing it down ? So that you have something to read of course. I don't need to justify myself. This is my personal blog, I can write and complain as much as I want haha.

So yeah, one secret out. A loving and caring family. My true heart's desire. Very very hard to achieve. Because in order to have a peaceful family, you need a partner who you can live at peace with first of all. Very, very hard to find. I'll take my time in finding someone who can accept me and support me as my dad does, and someone I care for, even if I hate him, like I do with my brother haha. I know every family faces struggles and hardships, but having one (as in one, and not as in divorced, son living at dads, daughter living with me) would be nice to begin with, non ?

Hely, my lash customer, told me that her parents are still super super super much in love with each other after 25 years (or so) of marriage. Is that even possible ? My parents didn't get along at all haha. But I do get along with both of them very well, now that I'm so mature and considerate (sarcastic laugh) haha.

You know when I was a teenager in my younger years, I hated my mom. I felt like she didn't love me enough, didn't do enough things for me, neglected me and didn't care about me enough. We fought all the time, in tears, crying our hearts out, shouting at each other, I would cut myself, and hate her even more for not obviously caring. I know many people go through that, it's just something you go through. In the end, when you are 40 or something, you either get along with your parents because you started accepting them as they are, or you don't get along and never talk to them. Which is rather sad and shouldn't be. I think people who are very narrow-minded and stubborn, tend to keep a bad relationship with their parents throughout their lives, because they can't accept their parents as they are; human beings, with own personalities. I hated my mom so much, because she didn't do all the things other German moms did. She never made breakfast or lunch for me. She never brought me to school or pick me up. She never came to school events or hugged me. All the values that a good mother, according to western standards, should have, were missing. Was I sad ? Yes I was sad. I was sad for years and years. Did I hate her ? Yes I hated her so much for not being there for me, the way I wanted her to. Am I still sad ? No Iam not. Do I still hate her ? No I don't. Do I love her ? Not more than I used to love her when I was a teenager. So what's different now ? Nowadays, my mom and me, we get along better. We can talk, and discuss things, and we care for each other. We talk about each others lives, about the things that are going on in our lives. We exchange ourselves. Has that made me love her more ? No it hasn't. What has changed though, is the fact that I have become mature. I care less, and know and accept more now. How I get along well with my family: accept & adapt. Just that. I started realizing that my mom simply is a Vietnamese mother, who hasn't grown up with western values. She didn't give a shit about my school events, and neither would I now, tbh. Because I was shaped and influenced by the society that I've grown up in, I had always thought that the way a "good mother" is depicted by this society, is the way a good mother is supposed to be. Which is simply not.... true, you know. A good mother is someone who loves her children. Does my mom love me ? She did most of the time. And all the other stuff that I cared about so much ? Actually so irrelevant. At one point I started realizing, that I don't even need those things that I expected of her, so why be mad about it. Did it kill me, going to school in winter at minus degrees by myself ? Iam still alive, so no. Did it kill me that she didn't make breakfast for me ? No because, I could do it myself. It simply would have been more convenient for me, if she had done it for me. But that would have meant that she would have had to get up earlier, which would have been more inconvenient for her. Well, she decided not to spoil me, and made me do it myself instead. Does that make her love me less ? No. That just shows that she is lazy. A lazy human being. Who happens to be a mother as well. People really should stop putting too much emphasis on things, that are actually not that important, just because we think it's important. And about my mom's personality. I tend to say that I probably wouldn't be friends with her, if she wasn't my mom. Which means that we are not that alike, and there is a lot about her that I don't exactly like, you know. But I have started to accept everything about her. Now iam aware of her... let's say, negative properties, but I stopped blaming her for it. Because there is no fucking point in blaming your parents for being the way they are. You either accept and adapt, or you don't !! You cannot choose your parents, and just because they gave birth to you, and love you so much, they are not going to change who they are, and who they have been for years and years and years, just because you hit puberty and start disliking them ! Imagine you have a long-term friend, and everything is good and fine, and suddenly she starts throwing tantrums and be pissed at everything you do or say. Let's be honest. Would you want to change yourself, just so that it suits your friend ? No you would not. You'd just say fuck off bitch. Just that as parent you can't say fuck off, so parents try to discipline you. Which is bullshit as well. Parents should make their kids realize that they simply are human beings as well, and that everyone should accept each other, and if they really can't get along, a compromise should be found. But most parents will never ever think like that. It took me years. As child. My mom hasn't realized it until now I think. She blames my brother for features he can't be blamed for. She simply should accept and adapt. But does she listen to me ? No. Now iam all cool with mom and dad. And my brother is going through that shit phase of thinking that none of my parents love him. I know he is sad, but I hope he will soon realize that they do love him. But simply cant match his expectations. He better accept it sooner than later. It would be a shame, because I know by far worse people than my parents. Have you ever looked at your parent as a person ? If not, it's about time, Maybe they are not so bad after all, and maybe you can accept them simply the way they are. If not... Sorry bro. At least find a good gf/bf then, who meets your expectations, or your life is fucked lol.