self-harm

Sometimes I wonder whether people think that I'm probably crazy when they see the scars on my arm. It speaks of some kind of messed up history. I know from other people's conversations what the majority thinks about girls who have cut themselves. By now i've reached an age, at which we have alcohol when we are sad or hurt, but back then, all we could do was to eat it up, swallow it, cry and harm ourselves with the hope that someone would come and realize your pain and hug you, instead of getting drunk, crying, screaming at people and getting more drunk until you lose consciousness.

I don't think you can judge another person for the pain he feels. Of course you can disapprove of the actions, but taking someone's pain to make fun of that person and to dismiss that person as crazy, isn't that unfair ? We all have our sorrows and we all go through tears and pain every now and then. Everyone handles it differently. There are people who harm others who they feel are responsible for their pain. There are people who feel lost and alone and want someone to care, but don't dare to ask for it and end up harming themselves. And somewhere and rarely there are people who are really rational enough to just get trough with it without even a sob. We all have our ways, as different as they are, the pain we are able to feel is a common thing, that can happen to anyone.

As for me, I always was incredibly sad during my whole puberty. I guess I tend to be a bit depressive in general. I used to cut myself, not very deep like other friends of mine have. I didn't want to die. Also I'm a coward. But there was this pain I felt, which I tried to get rid of with more pain. The usual stuff. Family issues, first love issues, etc. I've suffered from a massive lack of affection throughout my puberty, affection and confirmation I desperately needed. In my case it's true what parents guides say. I longed for attention and didn't see any other way to express it than to cut myself. Don't blame a child. I don't even blame myself, don't you dare blaming me. I kept harming myself throughout my childhood and even today, if i'm so upset that I can't bear it no more, I sometimes dig my finger nails into my arm. If someone else hurts me, i'd rather hurt myself than to say one word of blame. Maybe it's my pride. Maybe I'm foolish. Whatever it is, I accept myself as Iam. I can't help it and as long as I don't harm anyone else, and still am being able to live at peace with myself, I'm all good. 

I don't advise anyone to do it, because the scars really do not look nice, especially if they are thin and long like mine. It's nothing to be proud of. There are better ways to release pain nowadays. You can update your FB status and get consolence from your friends for example : ) or be like me and write about it even though i'm not a good example.  My old blog is full of those blog entries from my puberty. Everytime I fought with my parents I'd either cry and cut myself or write it down and cry. In the end neither really helps. But remember one thing: time does heal your wounds if you let her. You don't have to forget but forgive. Yourself and whoever hurt you for being foolish. 

Just as you'd want your mistakes to be forgiven, allow yourself to forgive other's too. Isn't it easier to live happily instead of in bitterness ? Let me answer for you ! Yes it is : ) 

I know it's hard. I'm an extremely bitter and depressive person, easily upset, too. But don't worry, there are other strengths to make up for it. Find them and embrace them ! Don't expect people to enjoy your bitterness. The ones who really love you can only try to support you to get out of it, don't expect more. Noone wants to be around someone who is always miserable, unless that person feels miserable too. You try loving someone who's always sad and depressed. Bet you'll get annoyed after a while too, even though you are yourself haha. 

Have a good night everyone : )

I know life is shit but it can be good too !