To say that I never loved him would be a lie. I did. I did, from the bottom of my heart. He touched my heart, he touched my soul. It’s regretful, that we fell apart. When I first met him, he made me feel so special. I was goddamn special. His words, his actions, everything showed me, that I was being loved in return. Even though it didn’t feel right. Even though I knew that it was not going to last. I felt it. No. I knew it. But I decided to listen to my heart instead of my mind. It was beautiful. No doubt. The beginnings are always beautiful. But at some point, it stops being beautiful. And what’s left if all there was before, was beauty. What if that shining light suddenly vanishes ?
There was no honesty. Honesty. A feature highly sought after. Highly appreciated. But honesty is an unrealistic ideal. Honesty hurts. I’ve always known that. Pure honesty. It’s almost impossible to find. In any relationship. I didn’t lie. I just never was that honest. Neither to myself, nor to him. It was unfair of me. It was unfair not to give honesty a chance. It was unfair of me not giving him the chance to decide, whether he can deal with my honesty or not. It was unfair of me, to betray my own thoughts. I said I would quit smoking because I’d do anything for him. That wasn’t honest of me. The moment I said it, I knew I didn’t want to. I knew the moment I said it, and refused to be honest, I got trapped. The moment I said I’d do anything what it takes to make him happy, I wasn’t being honest. It was unfair of me, yes it was. Not to reveal the truth that my own happiness is what is most important to me. Not to reveal the fact that I’m an egoistic person and need someone to make me happy. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But the truth is, I was just afraid to get my feelings hurt. Finding someone who you dare to be honest to. Regardless of that person’s feelings. Is that something you can do ? Is it easy for you ?
It’s painful to look back. It’s painful to know that to know that I hurt someone once again. I didn’t want it to happen, but somehow it happened…. again.
note: I wrote this on april 10th, 2014. It's already been a month.