break up

By now most people probably know that I'm not with my boyfriend anymore. The one you've been seeing me around with for the past 1 1/2 years or so. The one who took all my stunning photos. The one who took me to Paris, Venice and Amsterdam with him. The one who bought me the two biggest flower bouquets I have ever received in my life. The one who got me everything I own from Apple. The one, who really really loves me. I broke up with him. Why did I do that. Any other girl on earth wouldn't let go of a guy who is so good to her. My boyfriend was good to me. He would have done anything for me. There is this quote I always read on tumblr, which basically says that you are not supposed to look for something better if you have something good already. I bet it was either someone who was heartbroken, or completely content or happy in a relationship who wrote that. So, the question a lot of people ask me is, why did I break up. Yes, why exactly did I break up ? The answer I usually give is, I don't know. It's easy and people stop asking. But the truth is, I know. I exactly know why I broke up. Same reason for which I broke up with my prior ex-boyfriend. I felt suffocated. The thing I can stand the least. I have always been a girl you can't tell what to do. Ask my parents. They know. You can tell me your opinions and I will 100% think about them, but I will never do anything just because someone else tells me to. And if I do, because I think I have to do, in order not to hurt someone else's feelings, or because it's appropriate, I get pissed. I will struggle with myself, thinking about what to do. What I want to do or what I'm supposed to do ? And if I get that feeling too much, I will try to break free. I don't want to have to think about it. Things I don't want to do, but am supposed to do. I'm egoistic, I admit it ok. And maybe I end up 40, single, no husband, no kids, but I don't want to spend every day of my life compromising and holding back. I just can't. And I also can't be in a relationship with someone who I don't see a future with. I'm an extremely future-oriented, ambitious person. I have high expectations of myself, and thus I have expectations of my partner as well. And if he fails to meet my expectations, he disappoints me. I get disappointed by myself enough. I don't want that. I didn't see a mutual future anymore. I'm sure he can make a lot of girls happy. Iam sure he can provide more than an average guy can, for an average kind of girl. Not every girl is like me. Everyone is different right ? Not everyone is living, aiming to make a million. Well, Iam. And I'm willing to work my ass off to get there. And if my partner is not, then what's the point continuing ? I don't say he was lazy, but he didn't work hard enough in my eyes. And you don't want to be with someone you look down upon, believe me. I tried pushing him, I tried real hard. But at some point I had no energy left to be ambitious for two people. And if the other person is not willing to move on and keep up with your pace, then it starts getting pointless. You know what I mean ? I didn't break up because he's not a nice, lovely, sensitive, good-looking, well dressed guy. I broke up, because I'm an overly ambitious, egoistic, rational asshole I guess. A lot of the people I talked to didn't get the reason why I broke up. They don't understand. But to me personality simply is not everything. I can't be in a relationship with someone just because he is nice. Nice is no criteria. I'm friends with people who are nice. But for a partner, being nice is a basic thing absolutely necessary for even thinking about getting together. Why not just live for now, I was asked. It's fine now. You are not there yet. You can still give him time to improve. NO. He is not going to. I can tell. He lives in his world, in which I don't fit into. There are more reasons, very private and personal reasons why we didn't get along anymore, and why I gave up fighting. But the main reasons are the ones I stated. That's why I broke up. 

I really hope that he will find the kind of girl that matches better. Someone who is caring and loves him a lot. He needs it. He is a very sensitive person. Iam not. I tried. But I simply am not. I don't feel the urge to spend every second of my day with my partner and hold hands all the time and be affectionate all the time. I'm not that kind of girlfriend. I tried. For him. But I can't. So I hope he can find the one for him. Soon. Because Iam not. And a broken heart is cruel. 

I had a conversation with a guy yesterday. It was funny. We met because of something completely business-related and I ended up talking a lot about my expectations of myself and my life. About my ideals. He was impressed with me. For my honesty and clear visions. He asked me a funny question. You see, we girls always have hopes and expectations and ideals of our dream partner. Don't we. We try to find the one according to our ideals (which are all kind of the same to every girl), not considering ourselves. Shouldn't we be aware of ourselves first, before we even set our ideals ? Shouldn't we consider our own situation, personality, expectations of life, before we try to set expectations for our partner ? You see, the question he asked me was: 'I wonder what kind of guys feel attracted to you. Usually, what kind of guys do feel attracted to you?'. I was speechless. I had no idea. I had never looked at things from that perspective. Who would want a girl like me, according to how Iam. Wow. I was blown. Well, what kind of guys do feel attracted to me ? I have no idea. I know what kind of guys I would feel attracted to, but would those feel attracted to me as well ? Have you ever asked yourself this question ? Maybe you should. I think it's an interesting one.