relationships

Actually I'm an idiot when it comes to relationships. I decided to write about this topic today, just because I wanted to, and I tried to structure this post, but I simply can't write according to plan. So. Relationships. I had my first relationship when I was 14. Big big big fail. I was young, stubborn, immature, irrational, in puberty, came from a broken family, living with a mother I didn't get along with. Having read so so so so many things about love and falling in love, I had high expectations. I wanted a lot of confirmation, attention and affection. But at the same time was too proud or timid to ask for it. I expected it, without being able to express my expectations, so that relationship was bound to fail. My second relationship was pretty messed up as well. It ended like this: We didn't talk for a week, he took drugs, came to my house, scared me and my friends, called the police because he thought people were following and wanted to kill him, ended up at the hospital in the psychiatric department, his mother blamed me, 18 at that time, I couldn't take it any longer and broke up when I came back from London two weeks later, because I realized that there is much more the world can offer me, than him and his family could ever do. I had dreams, which he didn't share. I wanted to achieve something, while he blamed me for it. Never ever be with someone who can't support your aims. Ever. Believe me, everyday you stay in such a relationship is a wasted day. I wrote about that relationship often:

"Im by no means amazing or special. Yet i deserve to long for love that is greater than anything i can imagine, do i not ? Even though iam average, shall i just settle with average and acceptance ? Isnt it hard enough for me to accept myself already, do i have to constantly fight for you to accept me too ? Shallow and fickle on the surface, my heart is deep and deep. Filled with hope. And expectations. Cannot be filled with will. I couldnt deceive my heart. And iam sorry."

"You left scars on my mind. Not my heart. How I hated myself when I was with you. When in fact I hated you.
Losing my pride to someone who would hit me. Offend me. And made me hating myself.
You were good to me, oh so good. You loved me, oh how much you loved me.
But how you dragged me further and further. On the road to self-destruction. I will never forgive.
Every single time. I made you forgive me, even though I never was at fault.
How I hated myself when I was with you. When in fact I hated you."

It was a bad one. I swore to myself, that I'd never let myself get restricted by a guy again. But I did. Why ? Because I'm stupid. I'm absolutely stupid. Because I have a damn high tolerance level when it comes to people treating me bad. I'm used to feeling bad, used to negative thoughts and sadness, that's why I can take these feelings while being in a relationship so well.  And that's why I ended up wasting a lot more time in an unproductive relationship, than I was supposed to. My third relationship. Started super well. Super super super well. I was very strong and clear about my expectations, we shared plans and goals, he was willing to compromise and do whatever it takes to make me happy. It ended like this: Fighting every second day (without him actually realizing that we were fighting, because he thought it was a great relationship), me complaining about him all the time because he didn't keep his words, but at the same time having to be careful with my choice of words, because I didn't want to cause another fight, him not giving a shit about my feelings anymore, me having to apologize even though I never felt like I was at fault, and no progress at all. I was working on my plans. Very very hard. He just lost me somewhere on the way. Still supporting me with words but not with actions. Words promising actions without actions following are worth nothing. I should have stopped as soon as I realized that it was not going to work anymore, but I didn't. Because, 'maybe', you know. Maybe he is going to change. Maybe doesn't get you anywhere. It's do or die trying. 

21 by now. I know I'm young. I know I still have a lot of time. But I also do not want to waste my time with guys, who can't offer any criteria that I look for in a person anymore. Everyone has a list right ? What your ideal partner should be like. Mine is rather short, because experience showed me that the more ideals you have on the list, the less likely will you be able to end up in a happy long-term relationship. Leave out everything that is not completely important, and then stick to your fucking list !!! You don't want to waste more time on a shit relationship working on stupid matters, that are hard to fix right ? Why take the old car and complain about what is shit about it, and having to fix it all the time, if you can just wait a little longer and get a new car with the features you like, right ? My list has following points on it: ambitious, caring, reads, taller than me, fluent in english (I can't believe I've never had a boyfriend who speaks English?! How could I accept that man, when it's so important to me !), tolerant, sympathetic and well dressed. I never managed to tick off the reads, fluent in english and ambitious part. And it bothered me to death. So, what I have learned from my relationships is, fucking stick to your ideals. There is a reason why you have them. To me a good relationship is work. Like everything in life. You have to achieve it and constantly keep working on it. When one person gives up, you can basically break up already. Both parties have to be willing to give. And I'm not talking about love here. Love is bullshit to me. Having a good relationship is more important to me than to be madly in love. I know love. I've been there. And it never worked. Relationships cannot be based solely on love. Ever. Never. 

"It amazes me so much how you manage to touch my heart with words and feelings all over again. How you can say all these things i expect to hear and even more. How you can make me smile and shed tears of happiness with just one sentence. “Of course i love you the way you are […] I know you aren’t sweet, i know how you are. I just wish you were a little sometimes ^^ “ 

How you can tell me that you love me so affectionately and give me all the confirmation i need by taking my fears, extracting the fear out of my fear and transform it in a mere thought you love me for.

You are so incredible and special and i just feel so loved by you that it overshadows any negative emotions that distance brings with it like loneliness, sadness, hopelessness and other fears. The patience you show when soothing my crying heart lies beyond my expectations. You care for me and appreciate me in a way that is so soft that i feel like you are wrapping me up in cotton candy but at the same time its so strong that it lights every desire in me to want to be with you. 

You love me. But i dont love you because you love me. I love you because you make me happy. Damn fucking happy."

A lot of love in here right ? I probably did feel it back then. But love is a fucking feeling. And feelings vanish. And if it vanishes, the relationship will fade and end. Love as in being in love, butterflies in your belly and stuff like that. There are different kinds of love. Of course love, as in caring for each other and trusting each other is necessary.
I also don't believe in words anymore. Relationships aren't based on words. They are based on actions. Love can be based on words, but not relationships. 

Why I bother to think about this topic and analyze my relationships ? Because I want to get married one day. And I don't want to get married to get divorced again. I want to get fucking married, and stay in that relationship for the rest of my life. Yes, I'm old school. I want to make the right choice when I pick to the person to be with, and I want to know what I need to make it work. I'd never get married to someone just because I love that person. I need facts. Marriage to me is like a business. You need to figure out ways how to make it work on a long term, in a way that everyone can profit from. Of course not financially but emotionally and rationally. So the business plan better has a lot of damn good reasons for why one should get married. I grew up in a broken family. I will never want that for my children. It's important to me. So it is important that I start setting my goals and expectations now. I never want to go back to where I came from. I know it will be difficult, because I'm a difficult person, but I'd rather die alone than settle for less. Don't settle for less. It's not worth it. Be aware of what you want. Protect your precious heart from disappointment. You owe yourself that one. Find someone you are willing to care for your whole life, and who is willing to care for you just as much in return.