It's funny how in Germany noone ever really told me that I'm pretty, and I come back here, and so many people tell me. It's not like I want to be arrogant and want to tell you, hey, people say i'm pretty, but I want to share my thoughts and surprise with you.
I've never felt pretty or beautiful growing up. I thought I had decent style, and sometimes thought I was cool, but I never considered myself as a beauty, looking at other girls, who were obviously more beautiful. I never really got that kind of confirmation, until I went to Vietnam when I was 18 I think. Yeah, that's probably when it started. I always thought I was more average-looking, and even though I did my hair and make up and stuff, I never thought that it would make me a beauty or whatsoever, you know. Of course I didn't think I was ugly either, but just compared to other girls.... I was really not that pretty. Then I went to Vietnam for the first time in a while, and people started telling me that I'm so pretty. It was surreal. I thought they were kidding. I was like, 'wtf, i'm not pretty'. Back then I really did think that I wasn't that pretty. Which doesn't mean that I didn't think that I was cool haha. So after a couple times more in Vietnam, I started realizing, that people really do think I'm pretty here. At first I thought it was so so so ridiculous, but when 8 out of 10 people you meet tell you, you start realizing and accepting it. Ok. People do think I'm pretty here. Nowhere else, but here. Which is freaking weird, don't you think ?? I don't want to say I think I'm ugly, but I don't really feel like a beauty either. And sometimes it's freaking me out how many people tell me that I'm pretty (I'm not trying to exaggerate I swear), because I keep thinking why the fuck ? Ok so every time I come to Vietnam, people tell me I'm beautiful. Then I'm back to Germany for the rest 11 months of the year and people think nothing of me.... I think if I didn't use Facebook or Instagram, my self-confidence would be like bottom-low. Again, I'm not exaggerating when I say, out of the 100 times I go clubbing a year, maybe one time a guy tries to hit on me in Germany, and that only, because he is most likely drunk and horny. So.... can you imagine, what a big fucking weird difference that is ? What a weird feeling it is, when 11 months of the year you are just Julia, and nothing else, and 1 month of the year you hear that you are pretty at least two to three times a day, and people stare at you, like you just have fallen from the stars ?
What do you do with this. I mean how do you deal with it ? I'm not gonna be like, oh yeah, I'm pretty from one day to the next. Or ever, I think. But how do you deal with the fact that so many people think you are pretty ? It's not like I ask for it. I'm not someone who is dying to be admired for beauty from other people. I just want to be liked and accepted for who Iam, and nothing else. Of course it's not shit either, who doesn't want confirmation, but it's super weird ! Even without any make-up on !!!! Do you know how many times I've stood in front of the mirror crying and hating myself for being ugly during my teenage years ? I mean now I accept my looks, and just want to look the best I can, by having good skin, good hair and a nice body, but it's not like I'm going to get plastic surgery and shit to look fucking damn amazing so a lot of people love me for my looks. Gosh I feel so weird talking about this. Seriously, it is very weird. Imagine you are in this situation. Thinking you are average all your life, and suddenly people tell you that you are beautiful ? I mean not even my ex-boyfriend's ever really told me that I'm pretty or anything (which I hated, because who doesn't want confirmation from their bf??), but suddenly random people on the street do. It makes me feel so funny, and a little insecure even. I really don't know how to react. My most common answer is, 'no man, I look normal.', because I think I do ? I have to think back of something I recited two years ago, from one of my favourite novels, snakes and earrings:
"I felt fortunate to have been born with a face people liked." - Hotomi Kanehara
I never found myself very pretty, even when people tell me, I feel nothing.
So yeah. Hotomi Kanehara, and the whole character Rui, which she invented, helped me to be able to deal with this topic in a more appropriate way. It's not something to get upset or excited or disappointed about. It's just a matter of fact. If that's how people see me, then let it be, right ? I really can't help thinking that it's weird. I really cannot haha. It's hard. Maybe I should just not think about it at all. "I felt fortunate to have been born with a face people liked." I guess so it is.