There are sides to myself I don't even understand myself. I've written and thought and talked about this topic so many times, people who have been following for long, know. I used to be so miserable. Filled with negative thoughts, be depressed, insecure and sad all the time. I got over it. So it seemed to me. But actually it's all still there. I tried really hard to fight it. And i have to admit, I do feel less depressive, less insecure and less miserable now, but sometimes I still do.
And I wonder why. Is it an essential part of my nature and personality I can't get rid of ? It's not like I want to be like that, but at the same time I think, why not, it's me, why should I change. People who have been following me for a long time probably even know more about such thoughts than my closest friends do. Because I don't talk about it. I only write about it. But unlike you readers, why friends experience me when I'm down. It's different. Iam so full of contradicting thoughts, and sometimes I feel really fed up with it. How do you explain to people that you are the person they have met, and when you write random, deep shit, it's you as well ? How can you convince someone not to think that one side is fake, when both sides of my personality not seem to match with each other ? When I hang out with people, with my friends, with my mom, whoever, i'm the easy- and outgoing kind of girl, always smiling at people, rather honest and easily pleasured. But when I'm alone, I'm so different. I get fed up by myself. I like to think about things like these. I don't know why. Maybe it's just my problem to think about everything a tad too much. It's like, how can people be aware of unhappiness if they don't think about it. Maybe I should try to stop thinking about it. But it's like trying to get rid of an essential part of your life, something that makes you the person you are, and there comes the contradiction. I don't want to be like that, and at the same time I think why should I change, because it's me.
I think I'm a typical victim of our society. Our society supports people who are outgoing and sympathetic, but I don't want to try to be less miserable too much, because books, movies and music encourage one to just be oneself, and that one day there will be someone who loves you a lot for who you are. Right ?
9am in Saigon. Gotta get my act together and start a new day, and work on becoming more successful.
P.S. Ok actually I love me the way Iam. A couple words I've put together in the past on this topic:
When im happy i dont understand how i can be unhappy. When iam unhappy i dont see how i can be happy. /// On tumblr and online its cool to be depressed and deep. In real life it doesnt get you anywhere. Im chosing reality. /// Being able to reflect thoughts from different angles is something iam proud of.