bits about me...

I'm an extremely moody person. I have low self-esteem, and have always been rather shy and awkward, rather than an outgoing, sophisticated young woman. I was always the last to speak, and my thoughts often kept me awake for nights, until the morning sun soothed me to sleep. I never talk about my feelings. Not write. I love writing about my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I secretly consider myself a poet. But I'm never able to speak them out. They only exist in my head. Or in form of letters, arranged to words and sentences. There were times when I hated myself so much for it. For getting lost in thoughts, shutting myself out from people and for always feeling lonely somehow. being anti-social, lonely and sad is not exactly something that society applauds. And human and of an average mind as Iam, society's expectations have shaped me and my ambitions a lot. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to achieve something. I wanted to be special. There. I said it. I have not felt special once in my life until I was fourteen. But I wanted to be. I wanted to become a great heroine for my own story. But there was no great story awaiting me. The reality i faced was so different from the reality that accompanied me throughout my younger years in form of manga, anime and books. I was disappointed with myself and my life. And sometime last year I suddenly decided to leave it behind. That if my life won't be as super exciting as a manga story, at least I could try to become rich and buy myself nice things. Reality can deny me being accepted and considered cool as the moody person i was, but it can't hold me back from making a whole lot of money, so I can buy myself nice bags and expensive nail polishes. I chose my path. And suddenly I put all my energy into moneymaking, thus I don't have much time to think about my sadness anymore. There is no room for madness and irrationality anymore. I face reality, and decided to take the path, on which I have influence on my happiness. I don't wait for it anymore. I create it. I make myself accepted by society. I make myself special. That's how I became the person Iam now I guess. Because of I'm aware of who Iam and what I want in life. Which doesn't mean that I'm not the person from back then anymore. My history has influenced me, all of me, everything about me, all that is me.