major insecurity problems

Instead of being proud of what i have achieved and experienced in life i just hate and despise myself incessantly. Love that comes from the outside world doesn't even touch my heart. My heart is unable and unwilling to absorb love. The love others give me, which is supposed to make me love myself. I can't be moved by anyone but myself. I can't be loved by anyone but myself. And i don't feel loved. Sometimes i just don't. And everything is just black in black around me, whereever i gaze. Fuck. I hate these depressions. Can't do anything about them.