the jaw issue.

Iam intending to apply for a training to become a poker dealer. I thought it might be a good idea, as you can earn much through tip and it is not as exhausting as waiting tables. I dont know how to play poker at all, but i was a dealer for my boss and his friends once and got 180€ tip that night. For doing almost nothing haha. So, preparing my CV i noticed that I don't have any proper photo to go with it, and I don't want to send off my CV without photo, though it is not compulsory. It is natural that employers, human, prefer to know how the person, who is applying, looks like. I have done a home shooting once and the results weren't the best, but i thought it would be good enough for a CV photo. I did some research on how much make-up is appropiate and how the hair is supposed to be and decided to leave out eyeliner and show my bare face without any hair making me look prettier. Needed to look serious. Put my camera on a tripod, directed some light towards my direction, put a chair in front of a white wall and worked with the self-timer.

 

Really unprofessional, but better than nothing haha.

Really unprofessional, but better than nothing haha.

I thought it would be super easy, just look serious, don't smile too much but don't look aggressive or bored either. In the end i had to take like 150 shots until there was one i thought to be ok. I edited it a little bit with my limited skills and this was the best i could do.

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I showed it to my boyfriend and told him that iam still not quite satisfied with it and that i hate how big my face looks. He said that it looks fine but edited it anyway. 

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DO YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE ! Iam not talking about the contrast and but about my jawline ! Some people know that i really hate my jawline and how big it makes my face look. Not like humongous but still bigger than I'd like it to be. It all started when i was at work one day in autumn last year. I wear a bun at work, all hair out of my face. Before starting my shift i took a look in the mirror and noticed that one side of my face had a bump. One side of my face looked bigger than the other. I touched my face and noticed that that bigger side felt number than my normal side. I even hit myself, and indeed ! There was a bump that made my face feel number on one side. I thought it was odd but then came to the conlcusion that it probably was just some interior swelling and that it'd go away again. Days, weeks and months passed by in which i noticed my face changing. It started looking bigger. When i took selcas (pictures of myself), I always had to cover the sides of my face with hair so it would look less big. It annoyed me. I didn't relate the growing width of my face to the bump i had noticed but simply thought it was because i was getting fat. Or was fat. Even though in fact I didn't gain weight. Sometimes i was so unhappy about the shape of my face that i did research on Korean jawline surgery and told myself that I want to get jawline surgery to make the shape of my face slimmer, but was put off again by the thought of how much it would hurt. Do you know that they advertise for jawline surgery in underground stations in Seoul ? With slogans like 'Everyone has done it!' and shit, like it was the most common thing ever. I even read an article about a young girl who got it done and then had to live with constant pain, who couldnt eat properly anymore and apparently a nerve connected with her lachrymal gland was also affected because she couldn't stop tearing. She committed suicide and blamed the constant pain from the surgery. RIP and no, jawline surgery not good. But then again sometimes i look at those before/after photos of plastic surgery clinics and some results are amazing. Watching K-pop videos isn't helpful either, I can't stop noticing how nice those girls face shape are. Then one day while browsing i came upon a method that doesn't involve surgery and is supposed to be pretty painfree ! It's called botox jaw reduction ! Read everything about it, told my mom about it (she told me iam nuts and that i should be greatful that iam this pretty and bla), but the dropped the topic again because it all sounded so expensive and bothersome. I didn't really think about why my face got bigger, I just knew it did !

2010 & 2013 // not a huuuge difference but you must admit that there IS a difference ! 

2010 & 2013 // not a huuuge difference but you must admit that there IS a difference ! 

THIS IS SO BAD ! I hate this picture so much. But it shows my problem the best. See how squaree my face is ? 

THIS IS SO BAD ! I hate this picture so much. But it shows my problem the best. See how squaree my face is ? 

Let's come to the point. I hate the current state and i found out why my jaw is like that ! TEETH GRINDING ! I didn't even know that i grind my teeth when iam asleep. And my boyfriend never told me until i wondered aloud why my muscles have gotten so big around my jawline. My case is called "Masseter Hypertrophy". Masseter is that muscle that makes you being able to bite your food and all that, and if you tend to clench your teeth a lot or grind them while sleeping it's like workout for that damn muscle. It naturally gets bigger, like every other muscle in your body. Thus my jawline gets bigger from outside perspective. Now when i just clench my teeth a little without much pressure i can feel that muscle mass already. So that's the bump i noticed from last year, just that my whole jawline is affected now on both sides ! It's definitely not because of my genes because i used to have a rather slim face when i was a child up to my teenhood. So now that i know the reason behind all this iam so eager to do something about it. Either go to my dentist and ask for something against teeth grinding OR the botox jaw reduction. Which i will go for if my dentist can't help me. Why i bother because it doesn't look thatttt bad ? Because it looks fucking shit to me. I know how my face can look like and i want to enhance my look and not look in the mirror and think that i hate the shape of my face every day of my life. The botox jaw reduction method doesn't come without risks, but if it is done properly, it could help. I want to try it so badly, but iam scared as well. I need to find a really good doctor in Germany to do it for me, I'd pay anything and wouldn't want to risk anything. Any of my readers happen to know someone who has done it or does it ? I guess not lol. You guys probably even think I've gone nuts, do you? Haha. Maybe someone has the same problem and we can go to the doctor together lolol. And no, botox is not something for old women trying to get rid of wrinkles. Actually botox can be used in many different ways. In my case it is some stuff that has decreased muscle activity as result. The muscle will be relaxed for some months and eventually form back. If you want to know more about it just google it. All I know is, it worked on many people and I want to try it. And if I get it done and my doctor is going to fuck up by injecting into the wrong nerve so I won't be able to chew properly anymore or smile, I will kill him. Cheers.