Aftermath


My boss. She said that im great at work, always with a shining and happy attitude. But from all the girls she employs, im the one who opens herself and reveals her true feelings the least.
I barely ever do. I have to be very drunk to open up and talk about my sadness. And when I start crying and people start hugging me or feel sorry for me, I start smiling insisting on that I’m alright. Because I hate feeling that weak. Because I don’t want people to know I can be that weak.
I’ve lived all my life acting as if Im alright, even when I was not. I never talked to my girlfriends about how I felt when I was heartbroken the first time in my life, like others had done. I keep everything to myself, and even if something tears me apart inside, I would still smile, saying that I’m alright.

My only relief has always been writing. Writing is the only way to reflect my thoughts thoroughly for me.
 I can’t talk about what I think. 
I shut my emotional, always thinking, side out in my daily life. People would never know what’s going on in my head except for the ones I revealed myself to. And now my boss belongs to one of them.
It was nice hearing positive feedback on my work. It was nice, her trying to explain my character. I enjoy listening to peoples opinion on myself.
 Because iam not always the way I think Iam and sometimes it’s nice when people tell me what impression I give on them.

About me being a waitress. I absolutely love my job. Most people think oh, waiting tables, what a fucked up job for people with no education and shit. Which applies to some people but certainly not to all. And to none I know. There is something so challenging about being a waitress, which I love. When all tables are full, the art of getting through the evening is perfectionism and concentration. I don’t seem like it but once I do something I want it to be as good as possible. All or nothing. Unfortunately I chose nothing too often but nvm. You must not forget one single thing about every table and guests of yours to grant them a good time at our restaurant. Timing is so essential. The key of the art lies in not letting the people wait and if they have to wait you have to do something to give them the impression that they are not waiting. First thing sounds easy right ? But you won’t know how much concentration you have to put in to get to the key. You try to remember drinks, appetizers, main courses for 40 people, waiting ten tables. To bring everything out as soon as possible, in an appropiate flow, not having anyone wait, you always have to keep an oversight and be organized in your head.

It’s hard to explain, really, for people who don’t know it. Because I belong to the group of people, who likes to see other people happy. If they are happy, iam happy. I care unlike so many others, and I have experienced a lot shit waiters. And sometimes I think that my guests feel it too, that I do my job wholeheartedly. That is why I put more effort in my job than other waiters would do. That’s why I get more exhausted from work than others would do. I work the best when it’s absolutely full. I start shining. It’s like, oh it’s full, challenge accepted, let’s have a flawless evening. And I just love being able to top my guests expectations by always bringing out the food very fast even though the restaurant is full. It’s all about timing and concentration. And they thank me by saying that I did wonderful service and giving me tip. 
Tip, which is also part of the challenge. The more tip, the more recognized I feel. And it feels damn good when people give me more than ten % of the actual amount they have to pay. Last night I had a couple, they came in when I was in my flow so I was super nice and cheerful, fast, but they didn’t smile at me once. I didn’t expect much but did my usual best. They left the money on the table and left. When I checked on how much they had left I was super surprised. They ate for 44 euro und left me 7,50. And those 7,50 and the final smile they gave me were the fruits of my work. And I was so grateful. It’s not like I expect money to feel confirmed, I wouldn’t mind them telling me that I’m great and not giving me tip instead, which would make me happy too, but most people don’t do that. They silently show approval of me as waitress by giving me money.
Ok I know it sounds a bit low, me seeking confirmation as waitress, but I can’t deny that I like doing it for now. If you are healthy, fit, have a bright personality and love working with food and people, this job can be very fulfilling and the pay including tip is fucking good.

I don’t know what I will end up as in the future but i hope I will do it with the same diligence as I do my job now.

// I wrote this more than a year ago but never got to post it. I still like my job but its getting more and more exhausting. But money is good. Iam somehow not in the writing mood these days. I dont write as much as i used to.