enlightment.

IAM AWSOME.

If someone disagrees... well i guess i have to kill you..... nah just kidding. I came to the conclusion before, that my personality is so so so fucking ambivalent and that this fact is pretty awsome. That makes me awsome, too right ???? RIGHT ????!!!!! Ok im an idiot. I went through my tumblr, and read all my written thoughts from the past. Most of them are... neutral. Very few are positive. A lot are negative. I might be a person of a certain depth, i think a lot, but i only do it when iam alone or feeling lonely. I thought about this topic before, tried putting it down in words last march. Here we go

"At daytime, I'm so full of myself, all cool, all confident, don't give a damn abt anything or anyone. I think rationally, give advise to the ppl probably in the same situation as me, thinking that I know better. But as soon as the sun goes down, the lights weaken and the world goes dark outside, as soon as I start feeling the night... I feel like there's a different side of me at those hours. Insecure, lonely, weak and irrational. I start wondering whether what I think at daytime is bullshit. Start questioning myself about myself. Need advise myself. Cry. Do things that are considered irrational behaviour. Actions which make me look weak in front of other ppl. I'm too proud to let my guards down at daytime, trying to be mature and confident, but as soon as night comes I don't even know how to spell pride anymore. Emotional breakdowns. Even in front of other people. I start feeling ugly, weak, all ma rational thoughts would be gone... And I try to surpress this side of me but the more I try, the harder I fail. I don't want to be that person. I go out at night at least 3 times a week. I drink. I drink more. I drink to not think about anything. Just dance. But then.. There comes the other side of alcohol. If u had too much. When ur mind crosses something you didn't want to think about. it will be hard to change the subject in your mind agen. Unless something surprisingly funny or awsome happens. And before that happens I would have burst out into tears already, hating myself. Knowing iam being weak but not being able to change sth abt that in that very moment. Just to wake up the next morning and regret it. And to feel stupid."

When i read this now.. i think, bulllshiiiiiittt. I drink to have fun, wtf was i thinking whgen i wrote this LOL ?! See what i mean ? I dont even get myself man. Why do i even bother thinking so much about myself lol.