Diary, September 5th

I’m still so messed up after all these years.

I’ve been blogging for 16 years, can you believe it ? And what I find even more incredible is that after all these years, the topic of my life has barely changed. It’s still me trying to work up my childhood traumas, figuring out what I want to do with life and every now and then sharing things I like. The question now is, is this how I want to live the rest of my life ? Do I want that to be my content, forever ? I mean even I grow tired of it, despite there being a new generation of hopeless and depressed teenagers and tweens coming up every three years. I’m so used to the way I think, that changing the way I perceive things and react to things will not be easy if I’m not super mindful about it. Most of the time I’m in a very reactive state because I’m sort of always stressed. But we all now know, stress is not a good indicator for productivity.

I’m sitting on my Macbook, next to Chiu who is sleeping on the floor. I have been a much better mom lately. Because instead of always just focusing on me and what I want, I now spend everyday preparing things for the next day for Chiu. I look up activities we can do together and am generally less driven to have as much time for work as possible. It’s like preparing for a trip. Which some planning, the whole trip will definitely go much smoother, than when you go somewhere and end up lost.

Yesterday I took a bath with Chiu and she really seemed to enjoy it. Like she was having fun and happy about just hanging out with me. Like we are friends. Or family. And I came to the realization that I never looked it things that way. I always perceived looking after the kids during lockdown as some sort of… time-consuming activity which prevents me from work. And why am I even so obsessed with work. I wasn’t, pre-lockdown. Seriously, I’d pass by the office once in an every while and that was it. But this lockdown has been giving me anxieties much. So I guess working as much as possible is a coping mechanism for me to feel reassured that we can get through this situation. So yeah, hanging out with Chiu, with the realization of her having fun doing it, I realized I was also having fun. Hanging out with my little munchkin who is really funny. Like hanging out with a friend. Present, in the moment. That was really nice.

I should also stop overriding my physical cues of tiredness. Sometimes I’m so exhausted, my body is telling me to shut down, but my mind just keeps spinning. I stay up till 4am doing godknowswhat thinking “I have to do it”. When In fact that’s just what I’m telling myself to feel better for going to sleep. It’s ridiculous.

This whole Youtube thing is also fucking me up. My mentor was right, when I like something, I just gotta enjoy it. Doesn’t always mean I have to do it. I started youtube and now when I watch a Youtube video, all I see is transitions, sound effects, colorgrading and so on. Still figuring out that thing. I still wanna do it, but it also makes me enjoy watching Youtube less and also the little views compared to an instagram story I get, do kind of get to me. But my brother has given me feedback yesterday, I will improve on those and see how it goes.