train issues.

Iam sitting in the train home right now. I spent my past couple days at my dads 400km away from Munich. As some of my readers might know, or not know, I have a little baby sister now. She is the daughter of my dads second wife and him and only 2 months old. She's absolutely gorgeous, I love her already ! How she smiles her teethless smile at me or holds my finger with her tiny hands haha. Anyway, when she was born on august 8th I got to know it via my brothers facebook page and I was so happy about it that I cried. In a taxi, in singapore lol.
I feel a bit sorry for my mom cos I think she feels a bit left out since she has no connection to the baby at all. I think my mom is very lonely at these times, while my dad is super happy. But he deserves it. And I wish my mom would find something or someone who would give her back this happiness, too. Because I can't. I can't be her baby forever and just do what she expects me to do. When I see how my dads wife loves my baby sis I imagine how much my mom must have loved me back then. I was everything she had and I was hella cute too haha. My dads wife now has his full attention. He takes care of her and the baby. But my mom back then, she was all by herself having only me. While my dad was far away working and making a little income to keep us alive. My parents had neither residency nor work permission back then, it wasn't easy to earn money. And my mom not speaking the language, I guess she had a hard time all by herself with a little baby at only 22. Oh she must have loved me so so much when I was still tiny and cute. I know she still loves me, but its a different kind of love now. I sometimes really hate disappointing my mom because I feel ungrateful. She has gone through so much for me and the past years I been pretty selfish most of the time. I know that when she wants me to stay at home at night, that she's lonely and scared for me. She's worried something might happen to me or that I could get involved with "bad kids" when hanging out at clubs too much. I'm a little bit disappointed that she doesn't trust me but then again I have never done anything to gain her trust. Iam not the way she would want me to be at all. That's all a bit her fault as well due to her education but that's another long story. The thing is, its too late for me to change and its not in my power to make her happy. And I wish she would find this someone who could make her happy.
Actually I only wanted to tell a bit about why I was visiting my dad, how did I end up writing so much again -.-
My original intention for this post was listing a few random facts about me haha.
I don't like painting my nails because I think my finger look darker with painted nails. / I prefer window seat. Always ! / I rarely ever listen to music when iam at home. I prefer having the tv turned on. / I hate the colours brown, orange and yellow on fabrics. / I love blow-drying my hair for hours after taking the shower. Sometimes I don't even dry my hair but jst leave the blow-dryer on so the room will be warm. / I love hip bones that stick out a bit. Means I love skinny people lol. Sexy ! / I like to keep things for the purpose of memory. Can't even delete a single blog online ! / Taking a nap in the afternoon shortly before the sun goes down is the fucking best ! / Iam not originally from munich, but from a small town close to the french border. / I always believe in fate. That everything happens for a reason :
When I was in primary school and still living in the small town mentioned earlier, I had extremely good grades. In fact school was so easy for me, I never studied or anything. I was proud of it so of course after primary school I wanted to go to the best.. let's say ongoing school in town as well. There were three of those grammar schools in town, with different reputations. Number one, the best and hardest school, very christian teaching latin AND french as first languages. Number two, average school teaching french as first language. Most students who fail at school number one go there. And school number three. The uncoolest and most unpopular among those three. Teaching english as first language and focusing on english. Of course I didn't want to there ! Hell no ! But my dad kinda fucked up my application at school number one, cos he said that latin is a dead language, who needs it anyway, to the headmaster who is a latin freak. Awsome. They didn't accept me. Ok if not school number one, at least number two ! Some friends of mine were going there too so it would be awsome. But my dad fucked up again postponing the application all the time, so that the school didn't accept any more students. (All kids who weren't accepted at school number one went to school number two !) So somehow I ended up at school number three. The one I didn't even want to go to. But I learned english very early that way, which fits perfectly in the plan of my life since I was moving to munich later and english was super important at schools there ! And schools in bavaria are much more difficult, too. Imagine I would have gone to school one, with latin and french, and no english, I would have been fucked ! So somehow I think it had its reason why I wasn't able to go to school number one or two. Gosh I think my english would be shit now.
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