I’m so stuck in this hole and am having a really hard time getting out.


Pretty much my whole life I grew up caring about nobody but myself. I didn’t have many social responsibilities because I was a loner and introvert. And now I have a baby. And I can’t help but constantly to feel guilty. I feel guilty when she doesn’t eat enough vegetables, when she doesn’t drink enough, when she has a hard time falling asleep, for leaving her at home with her grandma and working and being away so much, for her not having any other baby friends, you name it and I feel guilty for pretty much everything. And it’s really taking a toll on me. I’m constantly stressed and yeah, just feeling guilty. I have very high expectations for myself so not being able to live up to my expectations as a mother really really troubles me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but whatever problems I have, they are so deep-rooted from my childhood, it’s really hard to overcome. I know in parenting there is technically no right and wrong. I know I love JJ and I will always want the best for her. But this always wanting the best of her might also be what is really going to kill me.

I’m sitting at a cafe right now as I’m writing this and I’m feeling guilty as fuck. Of course going home right after writing this will ease my guilt. But on the long-term I really need to find a solution. So many aspects of my life worry me right now, and I’m just plain exhausted mentally : (

Disclaimer: JJ is still very happy and loves playing with her grandma, and shoes no signs of bad health, it’s just me feeling guilty and not good enough, you know.


I wonder if anyone is feeling the same ? Me reading and watching a lot of youtube videos about parenting doesn’t really help. I just always feel like wow, they have all their shit so together. How can I become like that. So I end up comparing myself again, and that never leads to anywhere good as we already know.


from my #unhiddenthoughts instagram post.

Julia Doan Founder Floralpunk Vietnam Saigon Blogger

Am I crazy ? No I’m not. When I grew up most Vietnamese parents referred to me as hiền. I never felt the urge to be loud. To brag about what I can do, about what I think. In a group I was always the silent one. I would mostly let others have their way. Sometimes it’s funny that somehow I ended up as the boss of 30 people. My career wasn’t a skyrocket one. It was a long and tiresome process, but I learned so much along the way. When I look at other successful people, a lot of them are extroverts. Loud people who claim their title. That made me feel inferior for most of my life. Until I read the book Quiet and realised it’s ok to be introvert. I just always liked to share. Whoever read what I wrote, read it. If not then not. I’m also super ambitious, but without much talking. I set expectations and goals for myself, silently. I know what I want, and I try my best to get what I want. And if it requires hard work, sleepless nights and a lot of headache, so be it. I’ve never had a lot of hobbies. I don’t like chem gio or song ao. I like to take photos though. Moments as they are. I was lucky. To have found friends and a partner who truly understand and love me. I grew up feeling unloved and misunderstood by everyone. I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I listened to punk rock. Until I grew mature enough to understand that people have different ways of expressing their feelings. And it’s not always what you want to hear but you gotta respect that. Don’t try to change people if they don’t want it. Change has to come from within. I accepted the fact that I’m not the crazy, funny, loud kind of person. I have found my place in this world and even though sometimes I’m stressed, I’m happy. The way I am, and not trying to be somebody I am not.


I have to confess something….

julia doan project 1990

I don’t know where to begin. Because I have troubles focusing to get this conversation started. I have a billion tabs open in my browser, things I still want to check out, things I consider buying and all my work sheets as well. I feel like I’m always on the run. I always need to do something. And I can’t slow down.

Ok I just had to hide my two open windows with billions of open tabs. Because my eyes kept wandering and so did my brain. To focus on the now and not shifting my thoughts takes up so much effort to me. To the extent that I know it’s not healthy. I don’t even think in coherent sentences anymore. All that’s going on in my head moves at a speed, I can’t even grasp my own thoughts.

As a child, my imagination and interests were endless. I have always been the type capable of liking many different things and curious about everything. Give me a video of a cow giving birth and I will watch it with real interest. And even move on to more videos that were recommended in the sidebar. A goat giving birth. A goat being milked. Goat milk production. Why you shouldn’t drink animal milk. You know what I mean. All those recommended posts. Recommended videos. Recommended products. It’s the death of me, for real. I end up spending way more time looking at things, reading things online, than I’m supposed to. I’m not even just watching random videos, sometimes it’s serious things like how the human body develops cancer. With given opportunities nowadays we just want to know everything.

For example. As a parent. There are a million parenting books out there. The general ones and the specific ones, on BLW, Montessori play, why vaccination could be harmful to your child. And as a parent of this age, I feel like I need to know everything. To offer the best possible for my baby. I buy all the books I find interesting, they pile up, I don’t have the time to read them and then feel like I’m not dedicated enough as a mother and end up with inferiority complex and depression. Now add Instagram to all of this. You go on Instagram and you see a other people doing all the things you want to do, but don’t get to do. Now that makes you feel even more miserable. You don’t want to look at their lives, you don’t want to watch instagram stories but hey, it’s so tempting, you can’t resist. That small little button is right there. And insta stories are so short, you think oh, just 1 minute. But even 1 minute is enough to make you feel like a piece of shit if you follow only hot and successful people like me. One person is doing yoga at 5 am, one person is having a vacation on the Maldives, one person is having a meal that looks fucking amazing and one person is simply hot and filming herself. All of that has the potential to make you feel horrible when you slept only 3 hours the past night because you had to work and look after your baby and wake up tired and pissed. But ambitious as you are, you still get up, put make up on, try to look decent, get photos taken and then: less likes than usual. Wow. Bye. I’m a tired, miserable person, nobody cares about me and I’m ugly because nobody liked my photo. Social Media is evil I tell you.

Ok wait this post was supposed to be how I can’t focus these days because it’s all about content and there is way too much content. Too many things to watch, too many things to read, too many things to buy. And more and more I’m losing my ability to focus.

My phone has been broken for a day. And I don’t have any access to instagram. And suddenly I feel like I have time. I have time to read. I have time to really watch JJ play instead of trying to film all the moments in which she does something cute. I have time to think. I think the thinking part freaks me out the most. I used to be a thinker. I used to think a lot. About everything. I used to take walks in the park at night just to be able to submerge into my thoughts. I used to be fucking deep. Like tumblr deep you know. I used to observe people. Now my eyes are just fixed on a screen pretty much all day. I’m happy that I’m kinda successful in my life but somehow I’m also tired from this way of living. I still have depressions and somehow I still don’t feel perfectly happy.

Let me know your thoughts and whether you can relate in the comments.

Maybe I need digital detox. Or I just need to go back to Germany. I use my phone wayyyy less when I’m in Germany for some reason.


Long overdue update in case you don't follow me on instagram.

Julia Junior Dong Ivy Tue Lam

I really was in a writing mood like half an hour ago. Before I picked up my phone and spent 30 minutes on instagram again. It's really a horrible addiction but also such a major part of my life and work. But often it also just makes me procrastinate. Usually every time I have the urge to write there is like an outline in my head, and the flow and thoughts just pour out automatically. When I'm not in a writing mood everything just doesn't come together as naturally. I wanted to journal. Like just write about my day. But I'll cut it down to this bit.

Today when JJ was sleeping, I looked at her and thought, 'oh my god I'm so blessed and I love you so much'. I love love love the fact that I have my own family now. My boyfriend and me share the same values and morals, and we love each other and our baby. That makes everything so much easier. Not less tiring. No matter how much you love your baby, having a baby is still tiring, but also so so so rewarding. And I'm really really happy. Not happy with myself specifically, more about that in my next blog entry, but with how my life went so far in general. Business is going well, even though we are having a bad month right now, love life is all good, baby is healthy and yeah, I'm really happy in general. There are some things that upset me in my life but I will rant about those later. For now, I'm just feeling really blessed.