THE GUILT TRAP

I’m so stuck in this hole and am having a really hard time getting out.

IMG_2074.JPG

Pretty much my whole life I grew up caring about nobody but myself. I didn’t have many social responsibilities because I was a loner and introvert. And now I have a baby. And I can’t help but constantly to feel guilty. I feel guilty when she doesn’t eat enough vegetables, when she doesn’t drink enough, when she has a hard time falling asleep, for leaving her at home with her grandma and working and being away so much, for her not having any other baby friends, you name it and I feel guilty for pretty much everything. And it’s really taking a toll on me. I’m constantly stressed and yeah, just feeling guilty. I have very high expectations for myself so not being able to live up to my expectations as a mother really really troubles me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but whatever problems I have, they are so deep-rooted from my childhood, it’s really hard to overcome. I know in parenting there is technically no right and wrong. I know I love JJ and I will always want the best for her. But this always wanting the best of her might also be what is really going to kill me.

I’m sitting at a cafe right now as I’m writing this and I’m feeling guilty as fuck. Of course going home right after writing this will ease my guilt. But on the long-term I really need to find a solution. So many aspects of my life worry me right now, and I’m just plain exhausted mentally : (

Disclaimer: JJ is still very happy and loves playing with her grandma, and shoes no signs of bad health, it’s just me feeling guilty and not good enough, you know.

IMG_2073.JPG

I wonder if anyone is feeling the same ? Me reading and watching a lot of youtube videos about parenting doesn’t really help. I just always feel like wow, they have all their shit so together. How can I become like that. So I end up comparing myself again, and that never leads to anywhere good as we already know.

NEW SAMPLES

Photos by Quoc Anh

Floralpunk new t 11 - 2-2.jpg
Floralpunk new t 11 - 2-6.jpg
Floralpunk new t 11 - 2-10.jpg
Floralpunk new t 11 - 2-8.jpg

My favourite work at Floralpunk is probably ordering samples and shooting new products. There is something really exciting about new products. But once shot and displayed in-store, I always feel how my interest slowly starts fading haha. I guess working in fashion is not too bad after all. It is a lot of work, but there is also always something new going on. Never gets boring.

PREGNANCY UPDATE #WEEK21

IMG_3180.PNG

FINALLY !

I'm starting to look pregnant haha. Ok I have to admit, part of it is fat for sure because my eating habits have been HORRIBLE lately. Like I eat out a lot, I overeat a lot, I eat a lot of sweets, and yeah, I'm sure that contributed to the growth of my belly, but still, part of it is my baby girl !

Yeah after I have been for another check up and ultrasound here in Saigon it turned out my baby is a little girllll and not a boy. I'm worried because I'm usually not that good with girls and what if she wants to be a pink fairy princess later on ? I'm sure I won't get around making sacrifices when it comes to interior and clothing. But it's ok, pink used to be my favourite colour as well until I was 16, and I loved Hello Kitty to death haha.

A little recap of my medical check up at FV hospital in Saigon, D7. Wow, one fancy hospital for sure ! Hospitals in Germany are mostly kind of old and not that fancy, so I was super amazed. Gynaecology department was crowded with Vietnamese and foreigners alike. All the doctors seem to be very busy, especially the one I picked, Dr. Hieu, head of department. I wasn't so happy about that because I would have wished for a little more attention and conversation because it's my first pregnancy after all. So now I scheduled another appointment with her, just to talk ! About upcoming appointments, how much everything is going to cost and all that, you know.


IMG_3220.PNG

#ALLBLACK

as always.

I received a funny comment in one of my pregnancy ootd posts, which said that I shouldn't wear black because it will affect my childs..... idk something. I don't know how to translate it right now but you know what I mean right ? And oh boy did I roll my eyes. First of all, pregnancy is not a reason for people to tell you what to do and not to do in my opinion. If you are asked for opinion of if you have really great advise that you want to share, that's fine. But don't go around with advises which are not even your own (because you have never been pregnant and read it online once), and try to make people feel guilty for what they do. I wear whatever makes me feel comfortable, and as long as my jeans still fit, I will wear them. And if black is my favourite colour to wear, I will do so as well. I check a lot of pregnant women on Instagram these days and those sexy moms don't have it easy either. Don't wear high heels, don't reveal your body so much and bla bla bla. 

You do, whatever makes you feel comfortable and happy. That's it. I'm not used to dresses for example so now I have to go and find more pants because most of my pants did get very very tight or do not fit at all anymore. In Germany most major retailers have pregnancy departments with cool clothes, but here most of the things I've seen have been oversized dresses with floral or cat patterns lol. If you know where to get more casual pregnancy clothing in HCMC, let me know.

For now I have a cold to cure. 

MID AUGUST UPDATE

& pregnancy week 16 to 20 or so.

IMG_2759.JPG

PREGNANCY & LIFE UPDATES

Ok ever since I got to know that I'm pregnant, I decided for myself that I will change the way I live and work by all means. That I will not be the lazy procrastinator who is always kind of unhappy with herself anymore. I decided that I will do whatever it takes the next couple months for myself to be happy, so I don't end up as a depressive mother who blames her child for her miserable life. My life is not miserable but you know what I mean. And you know my struggles if you have been following me for long enough. When I was in Germany I picked up this book, it's called L'art de la Simplicite - How to Live More With Less. When I bought it, I thought it would be one similar to one of the Marie Kondo books I read before (which also influenced me a lot). But for me personally, I found this book, even though at times kind of too restricting in tone, so so so helpful. It gives you advise on almost all life aspects that you could possibly care about from eating to clothing and friends, and as the title says, how to live more with less. I personally found this book very enriching and highly recommend it. I read it within a few days and came back to Vietnam full of energy and spirit to tackle my problems. Now a few weeks later I still try to apply the principles in my life, I still try to keep my life, neat, tidy, organised and with as little clutter as possible. 


Besides that I have been working super hard on Floralpunk's upcoming collections because I will give birth end of December and I don't want to be overloaded with work when I'm like super super pregnant lol. We have some really cool products coming up and we will also open a new store in Hanoi next month ! Can't wait to share everythingggggg.