THE GUILT TRAP

I’m so stuck in this hole and am having a really hard time getting out.

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Pretty much my whole life I grew up caring about nobody but myself. I didn’t have many social responsibilities because I was a loner and introvert. And now I have a baby. And I can’t help but constantly to feel guilty. I feel guilty when she doesn’t eat enough vegetables, when she doesn’t drink enough, when she has a hard time falling asleep, for leaving her at home with her grandma and working and being away so much, for her not having any other baby friends, you name it and I feel guilty for pretty much everything. And it’s really taking a toll on me. I’m constantly stressed and yeah, just feeling guilty. I have very high expectations for myself so not being able to live up to my expectations as a mother really really troubles me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but whatever problems I have, they are so deep-rooted from my childhood, it’s really hard to overcome. I know in parenting there is technically no right and wrong. I know I love JJ and I will always want the best for her. But this always wanting the best of her might also be what is really going to kill me.

I’m sitting at a cafe right now as I’m writing this and I’m feeling guilty as fuck. Of course going home right after writing this will ease my guilt. But on the long-term I really need to find a solution. So many aspects of my life worry me right now, and I’m just plain exhausted mentally : (

Disclaimer: JJ is still very happy and loves playing with her grandma, and shoes no signs of bad health, it’s just me feeling guilty and not good enough, you know.

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I wonder if anyone is feeling the same ? Me reading and watching a lot of youtube videos about parenting doesn’t really help. I just always feel like wow, they have all their shit so together. How can I become like that. So I end up comparing myself again, and that never leads to anywhere good as we already know.

#JJSTUFF: Ball Pit

I’m overly ambitious with my blog right now so I will additionally share some JJ things in here haha. I personally find it hard to find and buy things in Vietnam and I’m sure there are other people who feel the same so I want to do more to to help others.

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We got this Ball Pit a while ago from Park & Lam. It’s a Facebook shop from Hanoi run by a Vietnamese-Korean couple and I was soo surprised because the pit also had JJ stitched on it. Like so so cute ! I discovered Park & Lam after I already bought everything for JJ, otherwise I could have gotten everything from there. I even bothered to fly all the way to Seoul to get one of those UV bottler sterilizers because I like those better than the usual steam ones. At Park & Lam, they even have stock, so I could have saved myself so much money and effort haha. Everything they sell is imported from Korea and for now I just wish they’d have a shop on Shoppee or Lazada. I’m not a fan of ordering and browsing on Facebook to be honest. But if you don’t mind, check out their Facebook here.

I think the biggest question for any mom would be, do I need this ? No you don’t. That for sure. But it’s so nice to have. JJ still plays in it and with it every day. She is standing now so she uses it to pull herself up, to throw balls for Juju to catch and sometimes she just lays in there chilling. It takes up quite some space but luckily our new living room is big enough. It is fun to have and I think kids enjoy ball pits until they are much older. I still loved them when I was like 6 or so. Thanks again so much to the Park & Lam team for sending this over. I was so surprised because I didn’t know that they know JJ and me haha.

BBJJ 5 MONTHS

Long overdue update in case you don't follow me on instagram.

Julia Junior Dong Ivy Tue Lam

I really was in a writing mood like half an hour ago. Before I picked up my phone and spent 30 minutes on instagram again. It's really a horrible addiction but also such a major part of my life and work. But often it also just makes me procrastinate. Usually every time I have the urge to write there is like an outline in my head, and the flow and thoughts just pour out automatically. When I'm not in a writing mood everything just doesn't come together as naturally. I wanted to journal. Like just write about my day. But I'll cut it down to this bit.

Today when JJ was sleeping, I looked at her and thought, 'oh my god I'm so blessed and I love you so much'. I love love love the fact that I have my own family now. My boyfriend and me share the same values and morals, and we love each other and our baby. That makes everything so much easier. Not less tiring. No matter how much you love your baby, having a baby is still tiring, but also so so so rewarding. And I'm really really happy. Not happy with myself specifically, more about that in my next blog entry, but with how my life went so far in general. Business is going well, even though we are having a bad month right now, love life is all good, baby is healthy and yeah, I'm really happy in general. There are some things that upset me in my life but I will rant about those later. For now, I'm just feeling really blessed.