I have to confess something….

julia doan project 1990

I don’t know where to begin. Because I have troubles focusing to get this conversation started. I have a billion tabs open in my browser, things I still want to check out, things I consider buying and all my work sheets as well. I feel like I’m always on the run. I always need to do something. And I can’t slow down.

Ok I just had to hide my two open windows with billions of open tabs. Because my eyes kept wandering and so did my brain. To focus on the now and not shifting my thoughts takes up so much effort to me. To the extent that I know it’s not healthy. I don’t even think in coherent sentences anymore. All that’s going on in my head moves at a speed, I can’t even grasp my own thoughts.

As a child, my imagination and interests were endless. I have always been the type capable of liking many different things and curious about everything. Give me a video of a cow giving birth and I will watch it with real interest. And even move on to more videos that were recommended in the sidebar. A goat giving birth. A goat being milked. Goat milk production. Why you shouldn’t drink animal milk. You know what I mean. All those recommended posts. Recommended videos. Recommended products. It’s the death of me, for real. I end up spending way more time looking at things, reading things online, than I’m supposed to. I’m not even just watching random videos, sometimes it’s serious things like how the human body develops cancer. With given opportunities nowadays we just want to know everything.

For example. As a parent. There are a million parenting books out there. The general ones and the specific ones, on BLW, Montessori play, why vaccination could be harmful to your child. And as a parent of this age, I feel like I need to know everything. To offer the best possible for my baby. I buy all the books I find interesting, they pile up, I don’t have the time to read them and then feel like I’m not dedicated enough as a mother and end up with inferiority complex and depression. Now add Instagram to all of this. You go on Instagram and you see a other people doing all the things you want to do, but don’t get to do. Now that makes you feel even more miserable. You don’t want to look at their lives, you don’t want to watch instagram stories but hey, it’s so tempting, you can’t resist. That small little button is right there. And insta stories are so short, you think oh, just 1 minute. But even 1 minute is enough to make you feel like a piece of shit if you follow only hot and successful people like me. One person is doing yoga at 5 am, one person is having a vacation on the Maldives, one person is having a meal that looks fucking amazing and one person is simply hot and filming herself. All of that has the potential to make you feel horrible when you slept only 3 hours the past night because you had to work and look after your baby and wake up tired and pissed. But ambitious as you are, you still get up, put make up on, try to look decent, get photos taken and then: less likes than usual. Wow. Bye. I’m a tired, miserable person, nobody cares about me and I’m ugly because nobody liked my photo. Social Media is evil I tell you.

Ok wait this post was supposed to be how I can’t focus these days because it’s all about content and there is way too much content. Too many things to watch, too many things to read, too many things to buy. And more and more I’m losing my ability to focus.

My phone has been broken for a day. And I don’t have any access to instagram. And suddenly I feel like I have time. I have time to read. I have time to really watch JJ play instead of trying to film all the moments in which she does something cute. I have time to think. I think the thinking part freaks me out the most. I used to be a thinker. I used to think a lot. About everything. I used to take walks in the park at night just to be able to submerge into my thoughts. I used to be fucking deep. Like tumblr deep you know. I used to observe people. Now my eyes are just fixed on a screen pretty much all day. I’m happy that I’m kinda successful in my life but somehow I’m also tired from this way of living. I still have depressions and somehow I still don’t feel perfectly happy.

Let me know your thoughts and whether you can relate in the comments.

Maybe I need digital detox. Or I just need to go back to Germany. I use my phone wayyyy less when I’m in Germany for some reason.


Long overdue update in case you don't follow me on instagram.

Julia Junior Dong Ivy Tue Lam

I really was in a writing mood like half an hour ago. Before I picked up my phone and spent 30 minutes on instagram again. It's really a horrible addiction but also such a major part of my life and work. But often it also just makes me procrastinate. Usually every time I have the urge to write there is like an outline in my head, and the flow and thoughts just pour out automatically. When I'm not in a writing mood everything just doesn't come together as naturally. I wanted to journal. Like just write about my day. But I'll cut it down to this bit.

Today when JJ was sleeping, I looked at her and thought, 'oh my god I'm so blessed and I love you so much'. I love love love the fact that I have my own family now. My boyfriend and me share the same values and morals, and we love each other and our baby. That makes everything so much easier. Not less tiring. No matter how much you love your baby, having a baby is still tiring, but also so so so rewarding. And I'm really really happy. Not happy with myself specifically, more about that in my next blog entry, but with how my life went so far in general. Business is going well, even though we are having a bad month right now, love life is all good, baby is healthy and yeah, I'm really happy in general. There are some things that upset me in my life but I will rant about those later. For now, I'm just feeling really blessed.

BBJJ: 2 1/2 Months

Baby JJ Julia Doan

There is not so much I have to say that I haven't said on social media already. I can't express how much I love this fucking cute baby and she's getting cuter and cuter by the day ! Even when she cries her mouth looks so cute and I wanna eat her up. Luckily she's a really easy-going baby and I hope it stays like that haha. She knows what she wants (lying on her back, being carried or lying in a baby bouncer) but for the most part she is really chill. I love you so much my daughter. Yeah, daughter, can you believe it ? I have a daughter ! IAM A MOTHER ! (I sometimes still can't believe it haha)

A family portrait

And modern gender roles

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Everyone does whatever is necessary and needs to be done. There are no gender roles in our household. Nam takes care of the baby and house work along with me. Both of us have a stable income and a mutual account and both of us provide the same amount of money each month. I want everything to be equal in our household. In my past relationships I always let the guys take care of everything financial and that often led to frictions. I'm a modern woman, earn my own living, why do I need a guy to take care of me like a princess when I don't even want to be a princess. That's what I thought after my last relationship and adapted to this one and it works perfectly well and everybody is happy. The same goes for tasks. There are tasks that Nam prefers to do like washing clothes or bringing out the trash and then there are tasks I'm more likely to do like vacuum cleaning and ironing. But in general there is no slacking off. When he has time to do the dishes, he will. When I have time to do it, I will. When JJ is crying and needs to be fed, whoever has more time at hand at that moment will do it. There is no arguing over tasks because both of us feel responsible.