THE GUILT TRAP

I’m so stuck in this hole and am having a really hard time getting out.

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Pretty much my whole life I grew up caring about nobody but myself. I didn’t have many social responsibilities because I was a loner and introvert. And now I have a baby. And I can’t help but constantly to feel guilty. I feel guilty when she doesn’t eat enough vegetables, when she doesn’t drink enough, when she has a hard time falling asleep, for leaving her at home with her grandma and working and being away so much, for her not having any other baby friends, you name it and I feel guilty for pretty much everything. And it’s really taking a toll on me. I’m constantly stressed and yeah, just feeling guilty. I have very high expectations for myself so not being able to live up to my expectations as a mother really really troubles me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but whatever problems I have, they are so deep-rooted from my childhood, it’s really hard to overcome. I know in parenting there is technically no right and wrong. I know I love JJ and I will always want the best for her. But this always wanting the best of her might also be what is really going to kill me.

I’m sitting at a cafe right now as I’m writing this and I’m feeling guilty as fuck. Of course going home right after writing this will ease my guilt. But on the long-term I really need to find a solution. So many aspects of my life worry me right now, and I’m just plain exhausted mentally : (

Disclaimer: JJ is still very happy and loves playing with her grandma, and shoes no signs of bad health, it’s just me feeling guilty and not good enough, you know.

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I wonder if anyone is feeling the same ? Me reading and watching a lot of youtube videos about parenting doesn’t really help. I just always feel like wow, they have all their shit so together. How can I become like that. So I end up comparing myself again, and that never leads to anywhere good as we already know.