I have to confess something….

julia doan project 1990

I don’t know where to begin. Because I have troubles focusing to get this conversation started. I have a billion tabs open in my browser, things I still want to check out, things I consider buying and all my work sheets as well. I feel like I’m always on the run. I always need to do something. And I can’t slow down.

Ok I just had to hide my two open windows with billions of open tabs. Because my eyes kept wandering and so did my brain. To focus on the now and not shifting my thoughts takes up so much effort to me. To the extent that I know it’s not healthy. I don’t even think in coherent sentences anymore. All that’s going on in my head moves at a speed, I can’t even grasp my own thoughts.

As a child, my imagination and interests were endless. I have always been the type capable of liking many different things and curious about everything. Give me a video of a cow giving birth and I will watch it with real interest. And even move on to more videos that were recommended in the sidebar. A goat giving birth. A goat being milked. Goat milk production. Why you shouldn’t drink animal milk. You know what I mean. All those recommended posts. Recommended videos. Recommended products. It’s the death of me, for real. I end up spending way more time looking at things, reading things online, than I’m supposed to. I’m not even just watching random videos, sometimes it’s serious things like how the human body develops cancer. With given opportunities nowadays we just want to know everything.

For example. As a parent. There are a million parenting books out there. The general ones and the specific ones, on BLW, Montessori play, why vaccination could be harmful to your child. And as a parent of this age, I feel like I need to know everything. To offer the best possible for my baby. I buy all the books I find interesting, they pile up, I don’t have the time to read them and then feel like I’m not dedicated enough as a mother and end up with inferiority complex and depression. Now add Instagram to all of this. You go on Instagram and you see a other people doing all the things you want to do, but don’t get to do. Now that makes you feel even more miserable. You don’t want to look at their lives, you don’t want to watch instagram stories but hey, it’s so tempting, you can’t resist. That small little button is right there. And insta stories are so short, you think oh, just 1 minute. But even 1 minute is enough to make you feel like a piece of shit if you follow only hot and successful people like me. One person is doing yoga at 5 am, one person is having a vacation on the Maldives, one person is having a meal that looks fucking amazing and one person is simply hot and filming herself. All of that has the potential to make you feel horrible when you slept only 3 hours the past night because you had to work and look after your baby and wake up tired and pissed. But ambitious as you are, you still get up, put make up on, try to look decent, get photos taken and then: less likes than usual. Wow. Bye. I’m a tired, miserable person, nobody cares about me and I’m ugly because nobody liked my photo. Social Media is evil I tell you.

Ok wait this post was supposed to be how I can’t focus these days because it’s all about content and there is way too much content. Too many things to watch, too many things to read, too many things to buy. And more and more I’m losing my ability to focus.

My phone has been broken for a day. And I don’t have any access to instagram. And suddenly I feel like I have time. I have time to read. I have time to really watch JJ play instead of trying to film all the moments in which she does something cute. I have time to think. I think the thinking part freaks me out the most. I used to be a thinker. I used to think a lot. About everything. I used to take walks in the park at night just to be able to submerge into my thoughts. I used to be fucking deep. Like tumblr deep you know. I used to observe people. Now my eyes are just fixed on a screen pretty much all day. I’m happy that I’m kinda successful in my life but somehow I’m also tired from this way of living. I still have depressions and somehow I still don’t feel perfectly happy.

Let me know your thoughts and whether you can relate in the comments.

Maybe I need digital detox. Or I just need to go back to Germany. I use my phone wayyyy less when I’m in Germany for some reason.