Book review & thoughts:
I'm reading 'Falling leaves' by Adeline Yen Mah on my flight to Seoul right now. I was so soaked up in the story that I kept readong non-stop for three hours. The story is so sad that it made me cry at parts. All those injustice this woman had to go through. I truly feel sorry for her. And at the same time I'm so grateful. I'm grateful because I have parents who love and care about. Good friends sharing a bond that will never break no matter how individual our lives are and how far the distance. And also that I found someone who cherishes and loves me in a way I have always longed to be loved. I'm truly grateful to be able to lead this life, the way I do. There are no restrictions to my life except my own boundaries. I have all the opportunities in the world. And I have freedom. It's not like these things just happened to me though. I'm a chronically unsatisfied person and I have always fought to achieve what I wanted. I have always been fighting for to live a life how I want it to be. I can relate but not really understand other kids who tell me that they don't do things because their parents won't allow it. I fought with my mom throughout my teenage years for freedom and for her to accept the decisions I make in life. It was a long way with a lot of struggle and tears on both sides. I worked for this. I tried hard for my parents to accept me for the person Iam. I hate parents who don't appreciate their children's personality and try to change them and put their own expectations onto their child instead of supporting dreams and encouraging them. My mom used to be unhappy about me. I had bad grades, I went clubbing at 16, by 18 I was drunk all the time. What I lacked in academic success I made up with real life experience for myself. I always wanted to live my life for myself, stand on my own feet. I wasn't financially dependent on my parents. I went to school and worked at a restaurant on weekends. I made decent money, so my parents couldn't threaten me to cut off pocket money or something. After ten years, even my mom, finally accepted and appreciates my entrepreneurial spirit. I know she has always loved me and will always loved me, but like with my relationships I wanted her to love me in the right way and for the right reasons. I think that is extremely important in a parent-child relationship.
I never had many friends, but the few I have, I connected with them instantly. I love them and I don't need to socialize and make new friends as long as I have them. And I'm glad that they feel about me in the same way. Imagine you see someone as best friend and they see you as 'just a friend'. That's awkward.
As for relationships, I have always been incredibly and annoyingly demanding. I wanted it all. I wanted the perfect guy for me. I had relationships, a lot of fights, disappointments, problems with depressions and yet in the end I feel like it was worth it. With every relationship it became clearer and clearer to me what I wanted from a partner and what not. That's why I just know that my boyfriend is 100% right for me. Imagine someone who understands you completely and treats you right in every situation ? Whether you are sad or happy, he just makes you happy or happier. We never fight. Ever. In five months we haven't had one single argument because we understand each other so well. Even if I throw tantrums, he never blames me and makes me feel being loved even more. I'm glad I didn't keep up with my past relationships. Because now I have him and that's all that matters to me. I'm sorry for having broken hearts, for having been a bitch and upset or saddened previous boyfriends, but that just shows me even more how unsuitable we were in the first place. I never wanted a so-so relationship in which two people have to 'accept each other's flaws'. Of course it is essential in order to lead a harmonic relationship but I wanted it all. I wanted someone who loves me completely, the way I am, unconditionally and additionally to that in the right way. It was a lot to ask for but I'm glad I did. I love him in a way I have never loved someone before. I'm just happy. Just happy and nothing else.
Anyway, throughout my life I have never succumbed to other people's expectations or my own expectations. I never obeyed to what people told me and at this very point in my life, especially in my social life, I feel like I have everything I wanted. That's why reading about other people's stories makes me feel sad, but proud at the same time. I didn't have a good start, my parents were divorced, I felt unloved throughout teenage years and had bad depressions. But my ambitions were stronger and I made it to a position at which I can be proud of myself. Reading about tales of violence at home, obeying parent's wishes and living a life of regret, disappointment and pain, I could never accept those. I would fight. I did fight under my own circumstances. And I pray for all these many women out there who have to suffer, that they find the courage and light to let go of their fears, and to make their own life better.