In hanoi for paPerwork

I’m not even gone a day and I miss JJ so much already.

public.jpeg

These days JJ has been sleeping with her grandma in her own room but every morning she wakes up, she will open the door to our room by herself and is always so happy and chatty when she comes in and sees us sleeping there. I know it’s part of life, but imagining her disappointment of not seeing us sleeping there tomorrow kind of makes me sad. I know she’s not going to be devastated and cry because she has her grandma, but still. JJ is just getting cuter and cuter by the day. I love her personality so much. She’s really funny in a weird way. Like she does weird funny things in order to make us laugh and she herself thinks she’s funny, too, so even if we don’t laugh she still laughs at herself. She’s pretty much like me when I’m acting like a monkey to my mom, boyfriend or closest friends. She probably thinks I’m funny, that’s why she picked up my kind of humor instead of her dads’ : ))) actually she’s very much like me in a lot of aspects, she just looks exactly like her dad. That’s what I was actually hoping for, when I was pregnant with her. I kept thinking that I wish she’d look like her dad but had my sense of humor haha. For the second child though, I really hope her or she will be as chill as a Nam is. One more of me in the family in form of JJ is enough already xD

Oh man, I really miss her.

THE GUILT TRAP

I’m so stuck in this hole and am having a really hard time getting out.

IMG_2074.JPG

Pretty much my whole life I grew up caring about nobody but myself. I didn’t have many social responsibilities because I was a loner and introvert. And now I have a baby. And I can’t help but constantly to feel guilty. I feel guilty when she doesn’t eat enough vegetables, when she doesn’t drink enough, when she has a hard time falling asleep, for leaving her at home with her grandma and working and being away so much, for her not having any other baby friends, you name it and I feel guilty for pretty much everything. And it’s really taking a toll on me. I’m constantly stressed and yeah, just feeling guilty. I have very high expectations for myself so not being able to live up to my expectations as a mother really really troubles me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but whatever problems I have, they are so deep-rooted from my childhood, it’s really hard to overcome. I know in parenting there is technically no right and wrong. I know I love JJ and I will always want the best for her. But this always wanting the best of her might also be what is really going to kill me.

I’m sitting at a cafe right now as I’m writing this and I’m feeling guilty as fuck. Of course going home right after writing this will ease my guilt. But on the long-term I really need to find a solution. So many aspects of my life worry me right now, and I’m just plain exhausted mentally : (

Disclaimer: JJ is still very happy and loves playing with her grandma, and shoes no signs of bad health, it’s just me feeling guilty and not good enough, you know.

IMG_2073.JPG

I wonder if anyone is feeling the same ? Me reading and watching a lot of youtube videos about parenting doesn’t really help. I just always feel like wow, they have all their shit so together. How can I become like that. So I end up comparing myself again, and that never leads to anywhere good as we already know.

#BROWSINGFINDS: WATCHES

I don’t know watches. I was just browsing The Real Real after clicking on a newsletter link, ended up on a page with watches and really liked these two.

REALREAL SECOND HAND WATCHES

There is a little typo in my graphic but I didn’t have the time to fix it and considering not a lot of people will see this post anyway I’ll just leave it as it is. Anyway, I often to online window shopping. Window shopping because you just look through all the stuff but never buy anything. I’m one of those people who can spend hours browsing, putting things in my shopping cart and end up just closing the tab, and that’s it.

I didn’t wanted to post these two watches on my instagram stories because I felt like it isn’t the right platform, so I’ll just post them here. My monthly views have gone down close to zero, and this is my last platform on which I feel people are less likely to judge me on my every move. Honestly, I’m tired of it, but it is a recognized addiction. And I’m definitely an addict. A social media addict.

The Harry Winston watch is sooo pretty, everything I love. Pretty classic shape, black croc leather strap, a little bit of bling. It’s 12,995 USD though. The Rolex is a classic but somehow I think this colourway looks cute. It’s about less than half the Harry Winston, and both are available on that luxury second hand online shop The Real Real right now. I found that website through a Youtube video I watched on Hermes bags the other day haha.