honesty

To say that I never loved him would be a lie. I did. I did, from the bottom of my heart. He touched my heart, he touched my soul. It’s regretful, that we fell apart. When I first met him, he made me feel so special. I was goddamn special. His words, his actions, everything showed me, that I was being loved in return. Even though it didn’t feel right. Even though I knew that it was not going to last. I felt it. No. I knew it. But I decided to listen to my heart instead of my mind. It was beautiful. No doubt. The beginnings are always beautiful. But at some point, it stops being beautiful. And what’s left if all there was before, was beauty. What if that shining light suddenly vanishes ? 

 

There was no honesty. Honesty. A feature highly sought after. Highly appreciated. But honesty is an unrealistic ideal. Honesty hurts. I’ve always known that. Pure honesty. It’s almost impossible to find. In any relationship. I didn’t lie. I just never was that honest. Neither to myself, nor to him. It was unfair of me. It was unfair not to give honesty a chance. It was unfair of me not giving him the chance to decide, whether he can deal with my honesty or not. It was unfair of me, to betray my own thoughts. I said I would quit smoking because I’d do anything for him. That wasn’t honest of me. The moment I said it, I knew I didn’t want to. I knew the moment I said it, and refused to be honest, I got trapped. The moment I said I’d do anything what it takes to make him happy, I wasn’t being honest. It was unfair of me, yes it was. Not to reveal the truth that my own happiness is what is most important to me. Not to reveal the fact that I’m an egoistic person and need someone to make me happy. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But the truth is, I was just afraid to get my feelings hurt. Finding someone who you dare to be honest to. Regardless of that person’s feelings. Is that something you can do ? Is it easy for you ? 

 

It’s painful to look back. It’s painful to know that to know that I hurt someone once again. I didn’t want it to happen, but somehow it happened…. again.

note: I wrote this on april 10th, 2014. It's already been a month.

no more

I'm so afraid of losing myself, to the extent that no matter what compromise we could find, it would be one I couldn't deal with. It's not the right time. I want to be free. I don't want to get caught up in a cage again. I'm so scared. I know you love me, but it suffocates me. Be someone for yourself, before you can be someone to me, ever again. I can't be with the person I used to know anymore. I can not. It's freaking me out, even just trying to think of getting back together. Like all my chances and opportunities are just about to die out immediately. I'm not the person I used to be anymore. I'm not the person you fell in love in the first place. I will never be that person again. Ever. 

I will do what I want, live the life I want to live. Support me as a friend, don't expect me to love you as a lover. I will care for you, but I won't lose myself to you.  

Relationships scare me to death right now. You remember my post about me saying I want to settle ? And find the one ? YES ! One day ! It doesn't have to be now. I mean I have no idea where I will be in five years, how can I expect myself to settle now. It's impossible. I have no idea how much i'll earn and where I will live by then, how can I decide what relationship will be good for me with no clear view on my future ? Yes I want to be loved, yes I want to go on dates, yes I want to have passionate sex, but NO I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now. I've had enough. I do not want to. Leave me being selfish and egoistic. I just want to have fun and enjoy life and focus on work for now.

 'True love can wait.' - N.M.