two thing on my mind.


im freaking out !

During my trip to London i came to the conclusion that its bollocks to take another gap year to do a diploma in fashion journalism, because i would be freaking 2NE1 (ah ha ha ha... lol) when i start undergraduate studies and freaking twentyfour when i get my bachelor ! So my actual plan was doing digital journalism in march 2012, finish in march 2013 with a diploma, half a year doing internships or whatever and then start the undergrad course Media Arts Production at Greenwich University in october 2013 (Plan!!! In imaginary plans you always succeed and get accepted !! lol). Then i realized its ridiculous to do that diploma year, i could as well be twenty when i start uni and do a master in the field of journalism. So i rearranged my plan and its looking like this right now : (since iam getting my German citizenship soon) going to fucking Singapore for a month or so, do some course, travelling to Taiwan & China to improve Chinese, some more travel in Asia, go back to Germany in July or August, work my ass off and then start uni. The problem right now.... Actually i didnt intend to do proper Uni. Like.. a course at a proper University. I didnt put much effort into my final exams at school and i sucked big time. Im afraid when i apply for that course at Greenwich university they might not accept me. And i dont have an alternative plan right now. And that freaks me out. Im so scared of failing that i sometimes dont even try. I know myself. I must not let it happen but its very likely to happen. Procrastination until i miss deadline. I dont know why but i have always been like this. I rather fail completely than failing when trying. Its so stupid i know... Ok since iam very interested in that stupid Media Arts production course i seriously should apply for it. Actually i really want to study that subject because it sounds so interesting but im so scared of them not accepting me... I wish i could turn time back and redo my final exams, i swear i would study so much harder !

i still look at the stars.

There is so many things that i want to tell you. Like that i miss your smile. How you would judge things with your own opinion, not even letting me speak up because you are so into it. How you would read between the lines. I dont even want to watch the movies you recommended me anymore because even if i watched them i would think about you throughout the movie. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS, SO SO MANY THINGS.
iam a hypocrite to others and myself. i give advise on love. advise i dont even listen to myself.

when i went clubbing yesterday i saw this guy outside the club and i thought... hey he looks familiar, i think i know him. i thought he was standing by himself so i was waving but he didnt really react. so i was unsure, maybe it was someone else after all ! then i asked my friend, hey isnt that xxxx ? and she said yeah. he is. i all bouncy and jumpy i ran over to him and almost kicked him in his stomach haha. then i asked him how he was. he replied, iam waiting. i asked him, what are you waiting for ? he looked to a guy and a girl standing close to us. that guy was holding that girl in his arms and was whispering something in her ear. the guy i knew said, she has to decide. i got it right away. and he looked so sad. and i was like, ok, i dont want to get involved, and went back to the club. and stood there smoking a cigarette observing them. tipsy as i was my thoughts spinned and spinned, and i couldnt stand watching him like that. i ran back to him. i shouted at him, "you dont let the person you love wait". "How can you even stand here looking at them like this, so close together, are you stupid ?!" He said he loved her. And i started my philosophy about love. The embittered person in me talked. And if there is one thing iam good at, its to bring a smile to peoples faces when they are upset. I kept talking and talking. I know talking helps. It distracts people from their own busy thoughts, filling their minds with my nonsense talk. I asked him, is she really worth it ? How can you wait for a girl who just kissed another guy ? Dont you have any pride ? If she loved you, she wouldnt even stand there in the arms of another guy. I went back into the club. I had a good night.

Then i was thinking about it just now. I tell people... Why would you fight for someone who rejects you ? Or lets you wait ? Whats the point ? Those people dont deserve the love anyway. Then i looked at myself and my own story. I fight for someone or something who absolutely does not want me. Iam stupid. In the end we all just want to be happy. We have to do things we will not regret. And i like this guy. So i have to give my best so i wont have to regret one day. Regret not fighting hard enough.

Life is so contradicting. Iam contradicting. But there is no right and no wrong, so its hard to do the "right" and the "wrong" thing.