self-harm

Sometimes I wonder whether people think that I'm probably crazy when they see the scars on my arm. It speaks of some kind of messed up history. I know from other people's conversations what the majority thinks about girls who have cut themselves. By now i've reached an age, at which we have alcohol when we are sad or hurt, but back then, all we could do was to eat it up, swallow it, cry and harm ourselves with the hope that someone would come and realize your pain and hug you, instead of getting drunk, crying, screaming at people and getting more drunk until you lose consciousness.

I don't think you can judge another person for the pain he feels. Of course you can disapprove of the actions, but taking someone's pain to make fun of that person and to dismiss that person as crazy, isn't that unfair ? We all have our sorrows and we all go through tears and pain every now and then. Everyone handles it differently. There are people who harm others who they feel are responsible for their pain. There are people who feel lost and alone and want someone to care, but don't dare to ask for it and end up harming themselves. And somewhere and rarely there are people who are really rational enough to just get trough with it without even a sob. We all have our ways, as different as they are, the pain we are able to feel is a common thing, that can happen to anyone.

As for me, I always was incredibly sad during my whole puberty. I guess I tend to be a bit depressive in general. I used to cut myself, not very deep like other friends of mine have. I didn't want to die. Also I'm a coward. But there was this pain I felt, which I tried to get rid of with more pain. The usual stuff. Family issues, first love issues, etc. I've suffered from a massive lack of affection throughout my puberty, affection and confirmation I desperately needed. In my case it's true what parents guides say. I longed for attention and didn't see any other way to express it than to cut myself. Don't blame a child. I don't even blame myself, don't you dare blaming me. I kept harming myself throughout my childhood and even today, if i'm so upset that I can't bear it no more, I sometimes dig my finger nails into my arm. If someone else hurts me, i'd rather hurt myself than to say one word of blame. Maybe it's my pride. Maybe I'm foolish. Whatever it is, I accept myself as Iam. I can't help it and as long as I don't harm anyone else, and still am being able to live at peace with myself, I'm all good. 

I don't advise anyone to do it, because the scars really do not look nice, especially if they are thin and long like mine. It's nothing to be proud of. There are better ways to release pain nowadays. You can update your FB status and get consolence from your friends for example : ) or be like me and write about it even though i'm not a good example.  My old blog is full of those blog entries from my puberty. Everytime I fought with my parents I'd either cry and cut myself or write it down and cry. In the end neither really helps. But remember one thing: time does heal your wounds if you let her. You don't have to forget but forgive. Yourself and whoever hurt you for being foolish. 

Just as you'd want your mistakes to be forgiven, allow yourself to forgive other's too. Isn't it easier to live happily instead of in bitterness ? Let me answer for you ! Yes it is : ) 

I know it's hard. I'm an extremely bitter and depressive person, easily upset, too. But don't worry, there are other strengths to make up for it. Find them and embrace them ! Don't expect people to enjoy your bitterness. The ones who really love you can only try to support you to get out of it, don't expect more. Noone wants to be around someone who is always miserable, unless that person feels miserable too. You try loving someone who's always sad and depressed. Bet you'll get annoyed after a while too, even though you are yourself haha. 

Have a good night everyone : )

I know life is shit but it can be good too !  

sizes

 

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34,36,38,40,42. XS,S,M,L,XL. Typical retail sizes here in Germany. When I was in Singapore I encountered a lot of XXS's as well. A size you would never find in Germany. I've been size 38 when it comes to clothes since I was 14 and my growing process finished. Yes I've been 1,70m since I was 14 (or 15?). I've been unhappy with my body ever since I hit puberty. I had horrible eating habits, didn't do any activities that required physical exhaustion and i'm surprised i didn't end up obese actually. Throughout the past seven years, there was only one other short period in which I weighed as little as I do now. 55 kg. I was 17 and didn't eat for three months, had a eating disorder because I threw up after every meal, and then spent one month in Vietnam, where I couldn't eat anything, because i'd got stomach ache from everything. By spring the following year, I had already hit 64 kg again, even though I had sworn to myself that I'd never gain, ever again. It was unavoidable, because I didn't have the discipline to not eat unhealthy food, and because I didn't exercise. So after that, for another three years I spent my days being absolutely unhappy with my body. People ask me why I prefer to be skinny. First of all, because it looks better for the fashion styles that I like. Secondly, because that big belly with it's three layers was the living proof and result of my laziness and lack of discipline, which I hated myself for. I had to lose in order to be happy. Yes, I know other girls look good with curves and all, but not for me. I don't like it, I don't want it, you will never ever be able to convince me otherwise. Ever.

I was so unhappy about my body size, that sometimes I started crying about myself. I was lazy and desperate. I wanna hit the me of two years ago. But then actually it doesn't matter. Because I didn't only get down with my weight, but I also went down one size ! What a fucking amazing feeling ! I saw these jeans at Zara and liked them a lot. They didn't have them in my size (not anymore mhuaha), 38 thought, so I tried on 36. And they fit !!! Zara jeans are even a tad too smaller most of the time. THEY FITTT. A little tight but they fit ! I havn't fit into a size 36 jeans in godknowshowlong ! I felt so happy. I had tried on size 36 a couple times a few months ago, but I never even got them above my thighs lol. Or if, my hips would be too big, and I couldn't button up. WHATEVER, I FUCKING MADE IT. How ? Eating less and exercising. Yes, everyone knows it, but noone does it. But it works. Seeeee. I fit in size 36, and if you are unhappy about yourself, and can't get your ass up, it's completely your own fault ! If you are unhappy about your body, do something about it ! Otherwise you're just another procrastinating lazy ass like I used to be. It's not going to get you anywhere ! And I bet it affects other parts of your life as well. I couldn't bring up the ambition to go to gym until I started getting more ambitious in general. Suddenly I had all these ideals in front of my eyes, and was willing to do what it takes to achieve them. So I said goodbye to laziness, and said hello to soon-to-be-amazing Julia, who fits into size 36 pants now after nine months of dieting and four months of working out. Yes it's a long process, but just fucking do it. I know it's no point telling you in a blog entry. I remember having read Tammy from Ohsofickle's blog entry two years ago about her going to gym and how she tried to motivate people to go. Back then I admired her, but still couldn't bring myself to do it. It wasn't until last year, that it finally made click. And now I'm still struggling everyday (why is food in Germany so good?!), but I'm willing to fight my laziness and lack of discipline ! I will get there (toned body, no more fat mass flabbing in the wind) ! And believe me, if I can make it, you can, too.