Botox for my masseter

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I got botox today ! Ok don't freak out now! The reason is, my masseter (jaw muscle) has grown so much from teeth grinding over the past three years, that I couldn't stand it anymore. My face keeps looking big, despite me losing weight. Because muscle mass doesn't get affected by weight loss right. And since i keep chewing when i eat, the muscle mass won't go back. The photos show my face from it's most horrible angles: frontal and semi-profile with my mouth shut. My face looks fucking swollen and fat, I don't know. A mix of both maybe. I wouldn't be able to complain about this, if I didn't know that my face used to NOT look like this !!! Yes I used to have the V-line and now it's V-line gone bad. Look at this comparison photo:

 

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Left: 18 / Right: 20 ! You see it right ? That the right side of my face has grown. And it's even bigger now. I have one more shit photos of myself of which I think that I look fat in them:

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Ok so I had been doing research on this topic ever since I was 19. back then one of the guests at the restaurant I was working at, confirmed my suggestion that my face looked a little disformed. He said that it's probably 'masseter hypertrophy' and added that a lot of people in leading positions have it haha. I googled it right away and stumbled upon this procedure of botox injection to your jaw muscle so it get's smaller. Before that I always had the fear that I might have to get my jawline cut, like Korean people. A very disturbing and scary thought. I'm not sure whether I would have gone that far. But yeah then I read about this jaw botox thing and kept playing with the thought to get it done for the past two years. What made me get the courage to finally do it ? I met a girl who got it done and she said it helped a lot and that it wasn't painful or scary at all ! As easy as that. Suddenly it wasn't something someone got done in a youtube video. Suddenly it was real and easy, and the result was right there in front of my face. I had to get it done !!! But where ? I knew from research that a lot of people do it in Asia. Thailand, Taiwan, Singapore... But I didn't really get the opportunity to do it there, and didn't want to get it done in Vietnam either. It wasn't until Hai, my gay friend, told me that one of his friends got it done in Berlin and that his jawline has improved a lot ! So they do it in Germany as well !

And that's what the doctor confirmed to me today. That it's such a small procedure, that a lot of people get it done. Especially a lot of Thai women apparently. so I had my first appointment today, i came in, she asked me what my problem was, i said 'jaw muscle', and her reply was 'yes, masseter, I could tell right away!'. Great. Is my masseter THAT big ? Haha. In her eyes it looks very big compared to my small chin. She said she totally understands that I want to get it done. It will make my face a lot smaller after some procedures, if everything goes well. She then went on with the procedure right away. Two injections on each side, no pain, nothing. I still feel normal, my face still looks normal. There are side effects but the doctor told me that they are quite rare. So yeah, I got my two injections and it's going to take two weeks at least for the muscle to go back visibly and then after two to three months I will need another session. You know what she also said ? Full of excitement she admitted that she has never seen such a big and hard masseter. Great !!! Haha. Can't wait for it to go back. I will post after-photos as soon as something is visible and keep you updated about it. Don't say anything to tell me to stop doing it or anything. Just as i will not accept my belly fat, i will do what it takes to get rid of unnecessary jaw muscle mass (=masseter) as well ! Doctor also said that it might help with my headaches and teeth grinding. Let's see ! In the meantime, enjoy my big face as long as you still can haha. So glad I finally did this ! Paid 300€ btw.

sizes

 

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34,36,38,40,42. XS,S,M,L,XL. Typical retail sizes here in Germany. When I was in Singapore I encountered a lot of XXS's as well. A size you would never find in Germany. I've been size 38 when it comes to clothes since I was 14 and my growing process finished. Yes I've been 1,70m since I was 14 (or 15?). I've been unhappy with my body ever since I hit puberty. I had horrible eating habits, didn't do any activities that required physical exhaustion and i'm surprised i didn't end up obese actually. Throughout the past seven years, there was only one other short period in which I weighed as little as I do now. 55 kg. I was 17 and didn't eat for three months, had a eating disorder because I threw up after every meal, and then spent one month in Vietnam, where I couldn't eat anything, because i'd got stomach ache from everything. By spring the following year, I had already hit 64 kg again, even though I had sworn to myself that I'd never gain, ever again. It was unavoidable, because I didn't have the discipline to not eat unhealthy food, and because I didn't exercise. So after that, for another three years I spent my days being absolutely unhappy with my body. People ask me why I prefer to be skinny. First of all, because it looks better for the fashion styles that I like. Secondly, because that big belly with it's three layers was the living proof and result of my laziness and lack of discipline, which I hated myself for. I had to lose in order to be happy. Yes, I know other girls look good with curves and all, but not for me. I don't like it, I don't want it, you will never ever be able to convince me otherwise. Ever.

I was so unhappy about my body size, that sometimes I started crying about myself. I was lazy and desperate. I wanna hit the me of two years ago. But then actually it doesn't matter. Because I didn't only get down with my weight, but I also went down one size ! What a fucking amazing feeling ! I saw these jeans at Zara and liked them a lot. They didn't have them in my size (not anymore mhuaha), 38 thought, so I tried on 36. And they fit !!! Zara jeans are even a tad too smaller most of the time. THEY FITTT. A little tight but they fit ! I havn't fit into a size 36 jeans in godknowshowlong ! I felt so happy. I had tried on size 36 a couple times a few months ago, but I never even got them above my thighs lol. Or if, my hips would be too big, and I couldn't button up. WHATEVER, I FUCKING MADE IT. How ? Eating less and exercising. Yes, everyone knows it, but noone does it. But it works. Seeeee. I fit in size 36, and if you are unhappy about yourself, and can't get your ass up, it's completely your own fault ! If you are unhappy about your body, do something about it ! Otherwise you're just another procrastinating lazy ass like I used to be. It's not going to get you anywhere ! And I bet it affects other parts of your life as well. I couldn't bring up the ambition to go to gym until I started getting more ambitious in general. Suddenly I had all these ideals in front of my eyes, and was willing to do what it takes to achieve them. So I said goodbye to laziness, and said hello to soon-to-be-amazing Julia, who fits into size 36 pants now after nine months of dieting and four months of working out. Yes it's a long process, but just fucking do it. I know it's no point telling you in a blog entry. I remember having read Tammy from Ohsofickle's blog entry two years ago about her going to gym and how she tried to motivate people to go. Back then I admired her, but still couldn't bring myself to do it. It wasn't until last year, that it finally made click. And now I'm still struggling everyday (why is food in Germany so good?!), but I'm willing to fight my laziness and lack of discipline ! I will get there (toned body, no more fat mass flabbing in the wind) ! And believe me, if I can make it, you can, too.