self-harm

Sometimes I wonder whether people think that I'm probably crazy when they see the scars on my arm. It speaks of some kind of messed up history. I know from other people's conversations what the majority thinks about girls who have cut themselves. By now i've reached an age, at which we have alcohol when we are sad or hurt, but back then, all we could do was to eat it up, swallow it, cry and harm ourselves with the hope that someone would come and realize your pain and hug you, instead of getting drunk, crying, screaming at people and getting more drunk until you lose consciousness.

I don't think you can judge another person for the pain he feels. Of course you can disapprove of the actions, but taking someone's pain to make fun of that person and to dismiss that person as crazy, isn't that unfair ? We all have our sorrows and we all go through tears and pain every now and then. Everyone handles it differently. There are people who harm others who they feel are responsible for their pain. There are people who feel lost and alone and want someone to care, but don't dare to ask for it and end up harming themselves. And somewhere and rarely there are people who are really rational enough to just get trough with it without even a sob. We all have our ways, as different as they are, the pain we are able to feel is a common thing, that can happen to anyone.

As for me, I always was incredibly sad during my whole puberty. I guess I tend to be a bit depressive in general. I used to cut myself, not very deep like other friends of mine have. I didn't want to die. Also I'm a coward. But there was this pain I felt, which I tried to get rid of with more pain. The usual stuff. Family issues, first love issues, etc. I've suffered from a massive lack of affection throughout my puberty, affection and confirmation I desperately needed. In my case it's true what parents guides say. I longed for attention and didn't see any other way to express it than to cut myself. Don't blame a child. I don't even blame myself, don't you dare blaming me. I kept harming myself throughout my childhood and even today, if i'm so upset that I can't bear it no more, I sometimes dig my finger nails into my arm. If someone else hurts me, i'd rather hurt myself than to say one word of blame. Maybe it's my pride. Maybe I'm foolish. Whatever it is, I accept myself as Iam. I can't help it and as long as I don't harm anyone else, and still am being able to live at peace with myself, I'm all good. 

I don't advise anyone to do it, because the scars really do not look nice, especially if they are thin and long like mine. It's nothing to be proud of. There are better ways to release pain nowadays. You can update your FB status and get consolence from your friends for example : ) or be like me and write about it even though i'm not a good example.  My old blog is full of those blog entries from my puberty. Everytime I fought with my parents I'd either cry and cut myself or write it down and cry. In the end neither really helps. But remember one thing: time does heal your wounds if you let her. You don't have to forget but forgive. Yourself and whoever hurt you for being foolish. 

Just as you'd want your mistakes to be forgiven, allow yourself to forgive other's too. Isn't it easier to live happily instead of in bitterness ? Let me answer for you ! Yes it is : ) 

I know it's hard. I'm an extremely bitter and depressive person, easily upset, too. But don't worry, there are other strengths to make up for it. Find them and embrace them ! Don't expect people to enjoy your bitterness. The ones who really love you can only try to support you to get out of it, don't expect more. Noone wants to be around someone who is always miserable, unless that person feels miserable too. You try loving someone who's always sad and depressed. Bet you'll get annoyed after a while too, even though you are yourself haha. 

Have a good night everyone : )

I know life is shit but it can be good too !  

still writing

Puuuh. I feel a little worn out these days. I hate this feeling. I'm taking myself down once again. After Vietnam I felt so good and thought I could achieve anything. I really did feel confident but nowadays I went back to feeling shit and insecure all the time. A lot of unfinished business, Floralpunk rebranding and stocking is going really slow, I'm not very motivated to study at all, I eat a lot, and according to the hotel scale I weigh fucking 60 kg (how is that possible?!). Things are going downhill for me. I lag behind in everything and it's pissing me off, but there is really no source of energy anywhere in sight. I just want to lay in bed and watch my two korean dramas (Glorious Day and Doctor Stranger). It's this kind of feeling I hate the most. I know four weeks ago I was like, you can do anything and achieve everything as long as you work hard enough bla bla. But now I'm here again, almost broke, having gained 5kg with really shit chinese because I can't be bothered to study. 

You see, I can only blog when I really feel it. Blogging, or writing, is a very impulsive thing to for me to do. I do it when I'm really deep in thought and feel like I need to write it down somewhere. Once it's written it's there. The text is static, unless I decide to edit it, but my thoughts are not. They keep wandering and wandering and changing, and that's what makes me human and flexible. I never stop thinking about myself and the world, and the truth is, I don't care much about other people hating on me because the only person who can take me down is myself. I'm a really egocentric and egoistic person. Very stubborn as well. When I realize something, or think something is right, then to me it is. But as stubborn as Iam, Iam just as fickle. I can change my opinion easily because I'm easily influenced by my surrounding and other people. When I'm confronted with too many opinions, I always end up thinking that no one is right and no one is wrong. We all just live and want to be happy, so whatever. That's why I never get into fights and never have any arguments. I don't think I have seriously fought with anyone before. I can easily accept other people's opinion. But whether it becomes my own, that is my own choice, and not always the case. I didn't say that I'm going to quit writing because I'm scared of other people's opinions. I just can't be bothered. I'm someone who avoids trouble. I'm really not usually someone who's going public with personal statements. This blog has been around since 2011 and there are a lot of thoughts if you click on the thoughts category. I never dared promoting this blog because I knew it would arouse too much... opinion. But then people encouraged me to, and I gave it a try, and now I see that it's attracting attention from people I don't really need attention from. People who are going to use my words against myself. I'm not too weak to face them, or afraid to, I just prefer to avoid it. That's why at some point, when my Facebook friends reached 3000, I decided to stop posting personal statements. It's bothersome. Comments from people I don't know, who want to take their shit out on me. Unnecessary and silly comments. It's something I really don't need. I love to write, and I will not stop writing, just maybe stop writing here, but I don't need attention for my writing. I feel bad enough these days as it is. I can't be bothered with more trouble and stress, because obviously I can't avoid thinking about the gossip I hear. It's just annoying, and if I can avoid it, I will. Haters gonna hate, I know, but I'm not someone keen to add fuel to a fire. I just want to live in peace and wanted other people to understand me and my feelings, and that's all. I never meant to take anyone down, or make anyone feel bad, because honestly, I don't care that much about other people haha. So yeah, just accept me as Iam, I'm just human as well. I scratch my belly, I get diarrhea (got bad one all day today, couldn't eat all day), I make stupid decisions and can take them back. I make mistakes, I regret, tell myself to never do them again and yet make the same mistakes again (hence the 5kg of weight-gain). I know it's easy to disapprove of other people's behavior and opinion, but in the end... Does it really matter that much ?

By the way, you know what I've also noticed ? See, I sometimes do shit things, right ? I do shit things and my friends still support me and approve of my actions. Then someone else totally not connected to them does the same shit thing, maybe is of a different gender or whatever, and then my friends would very much disapprove of it, and talk bad about that person, and I have to end up putting a stop to it by remembering them of similar shit things I have done. I'm pretty sure you know that feeling too ? Let's just accept things as they are. Bothering too much just gives one a headache.

Four more days in China and I can't wait to get back. No photos since I forgot the charger for my camera battery and can't be bothered to go to a electronics market to buy one. And I'm not that keen to upload iPhone photos anymore. Other people take amaaaazing iPhone photos, which is really admirable, but unfortunately my iphonegraphy skills aren't that good. Maybe I'll post one or two, in my next entry to tell you how this whole China thing went. Love & Peace to ya'll. Thanks for all the great feedback from you girls btw. I know I focus way too much on the negative ones. I'm deeeply grateful for all the beautiful and nice and supportive comments I have received, which outnumber the negative ones by far !