close distance.

"I don't remember the beauty of loving someone. I only remember the pain and the tears. Having left scars on my soul. To always remind me that I once used to love." // " Underground obersvations: Couples fight. I think. Against each other instead of for each other. Isn't that sad ?" // "memories fade. excitement fades. everything fades. in infinity loops my mind is being put back to this empty state. reset. reset. reset. where is my strength to break out of this circle ?" // "ASPIRATION OF MY HEART. unconditional love. no questions. no answers. no expectations. bare personality. confronting each other,      creating love." // "how can i like so many things. so many people. i want to soak it up. everything. everyone. everything to be inside of me. in my head. in my heart." // The written word. Liberating me from pain. Releasing. The sorrows from my mind."

Writing has always been my way of dealing with emotions and especially sadness. Whenever i was sad from a fight with my mom i would blog about it, not for the publishing reason but for the reason of writing down my feelings. Over the years i have become more cool and rational about my emotions and i handle them on a completely different level now. In short sentences. Poems. Notes. I dont write long essays of complaint anymore, explaining every single thing on my mind in detail. I try to keep it minimal and straight to the point. Enough to satisfy myself. Enough to inform the kids about my state of mind. And thats it. Above you see a little collection from the words i released on my tumblr last year. I had to change the arrangement of the words for this blog because they would look weird in with their original appearance. 


i dont feel like eating much recently. id rather starve. i hate my body so much. nothing is fulfilling me right now. i think im falling back into depressions. every year when the night breaks in earlier i start feeling this huge discontent. i want to drink alcohol everyday and not think every night. this was my lunch today anyway. usually i like eating it. today i just ate it for the eatings sake and i didnt want to eat sth with too many calories.

my book has finally arrived. bought it via amazon for 10 cents, the delivery costs were 3 euro, thats a total of 3,10 euro for a book, its insane. if you order a lot of books at the same time delivery costs are even cheaper. and it looks and feels absolutely new. i love this story of Lui, Ama and Shiba so much, i dont know why. i could read and watch it over and over again. it moves something hidden inside of me but i havnt figured out what it is yet.

i dont like autumn very much. even though it was sunny and nice today i didnt feel like going out. i felt like  needed to go out but in fact i didnt want to go out. have to go out later though. im selling my old blackberry curve 8520 for 50 euro to a former classmate. how cheap, could sell it for 70 easily. im an idiot. whatever.

“I felt fortunate to have been born with a face people liked.” - hotomi kanehara
I never found myself very pretty, even when people tell me, I feel nothing. -